Transcript
Ben Fallon: We're back for the “Ask Paul Tripp Podcast,” although, Paul, we should probably call today's episode the “I Disagree with Paul Tripp Podcast.” The following is one of the most common questions or disagreements that we've received over the years from people when they hear your marriage teaching.
A little bit of context first. Jim and Christy are licensed professional counselors, and they use your marriage material in their church as well as lead in divorce care groups. They've been serving in this way for nearly two decades. They don't disagree with you, but they are anticipating this disagreement from some of the participants that they disciple. Here it is. “You keep saying that ‘I am my biggest problem in my marriage.’ I don't understand that because my spouse has alcohol addiction, or unfaithfulness, or abuse, or fill in the blank. That’s actually our biggest problem. Paul, I know your answer, but I think it would be good to set the record straight publicly.”
Paul Tripp: So, I have written in a marriage book, and I've said this hundreds of times in speaking on marriage, that, in marriage, you are your biggest problem. And so, what I want to do is I want to say what that means and then say what it doesn't mean. What it means is there is something that all of us drag into our marriages that's disruptive to marriage. The Bible names it, ‘sin.’ Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 5:15 that Jesus came so that those who live would “no longer live for themselves.” That means the DNA of sin is selfishness. That means sin, in its fundamental form, is antisocial¬–“my wants, my needs, my feelings, you serve my kingdom.” And so, that is inside of me as I get married.
And so, the thing that I need most in marriage is to be delivered from that thing in me, because that DNA of sin, that self-focus, that selfishness, in the true sense of what it means, is destructive to everything that a marriage is about. It's destructive to communication. It's destructive to trust. It's destructive to the finances of the marriage. It's destructive to sexuality. You put two selfish people in a room, you probably won't have peace. That's what that means. I have something that I always have to pay attention to that until I'm on the other side and sin is no longer in me, it's going to be an issue for me.
Now here's what this does not mean. It does not mean then in a particular marriage, I'm the one to blame for our marriage mess. It doesn't mean that. There is such a thing as abuse and violence in marriage. There is such a thing as being married to an angry, controlling person–that's wrong. And so, that statement is never meant to deny the reality of living with a sinner and suffering at the hands of another sinner.
But I've got to say a third thing. Because of the DNA of sin, the selfishness inside of me, sinners tend to suffer sinfully. And so, we often take our suffering, and we make it worse! We start making war with that person, or we do vengeful things, or we cut ourselves off from that person. So, it's always important to humbly ask, “Is there something I'm bringing that's making this even worse?” It doesn’t mean you're to blame, doesn’t mean you've caused it. So, I’m saying, “I am my biggest marriage problem, just recognize that I drag sin into my marriage and sin is marriage destructive, that it does not mean that I should deny being sinned against because being sinned against is a significant experience. The degree to which that is significant is important.
I was a pastor. We rescued women out of violent homes, put them in a safe house and worked with the husbands, hoping change could take place and they could be reunited. I think you should take these things seriously. But you also recognize that there's something inside of you that makes dealing with being sinned against hard.
BF: Thank you for that clarification, Paul. If you want Paul's full marriage teaching, it's available in two forms. First, his book, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make. That's available at paultripp.com/marriage. But then, if you're not a reader or if you want a video series, you can find a 10-session curriculum called What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage. That's available at paultripp.com/wyde for “What Did You Expect?” And also, just to clarify, Paul's book titled Marriage, used to be titled What Did You Expect? But we recently changed the title and the cover of the book, but all of the chapters remain the same. So again, Paul's book, Marriage, is available at paultripp.com/marriage or his video series What Did You Expect? at paultripp.com/wdye. We hope these resources may be a blessing to your marriage and, like Jim and Christy, a tool for discipleship as you mentor other couples.
We'll be back next week. God bless you.
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