Transcript
Ben Fallon: Today's question, Paul, comes from parents of adult children. The parents are believers, but some of their adult children are not walking with the Lord. Some of these children are not married, but they're cohabitating with either a boyfriend or a girlfriend in their own apartment. So, here's the question, “Do you think it's wrong to let them sleep together in the upstairs room when they come back to our home for a visit from out of town?”
Paul Tripp: These questions about how to deal with grown children who come back into the family but are not where you are spiritually are very important. Here's the scary reality of Christian parenting: “I cannot turn my children to believers. I have no ability to make them love the morality of Scripture. When it comes to the condition of their heart, I am utterly helpless. I have no ability!” That means I'm never the change agent. I'm a tool in the hands of the one who is the change agent. And so, it's quite regular that good parents, who have been faithful in teaching their children the ways of the Lord and the beautiful message of the gospel, end up with children who are not believers. And because they're not believers, they don't follow the moral code that every believer, because it's biblical, would give himself to.
So, my answer is not going to be just about what you decide to do, but how you decide to do it. Everything that you do toward your children should be done with grace, not harshly, not judgmentally, not self-righteously, but with patience, understanding, gentleness, and compassion, understanding that your children are in a different universe than you are spiritually. Think of how the Bible talks about them. They're blind; they don't see what you see. They're lost; they don't have the ability to find their way like you do. They're captured, slaves, held fast by something they can't break apart from the move of God's grace. And so, you want to respond to them with understanding and compassion. You can't think of your children as Christians deciding to do something immoral in your bedroom. That's not who they are. They're unbelievers. They're lost.
In fact, if your children are unbelievers, not sleeping with somebody seems like a weird inconvenience. So, you have to approach them with understanding. I love in John where it says that Jesus looked at people and he knew their hearts; He considered what was in their hearts. I would start with an appeal to ask them if they would be willing to make the sacrifice of sleeping in separate rooms, and get ready to respond graciously to the pushback. Instead of opening the conversation by saying, “How dare you ever think of doing such an act of sexual immorality in this home that we have dedicated to the Lord?” You want the hearts of your children to close down,” respond that way.
I want to say something that's going to hurt people's feelings, but I think it's my job. I am deeply persuaded that many children walk away from the faith of their parents, not because of the righteousness of their parents, but because of the self-righteousness of the parents. That arrogant, angry, self-righteous way of presenting what was right, saying things like, “I would have never thought of…” as if I'm a model of righteous perfection. I am not. And the thing is, your children have lived with you. They know you're not an example of righteous perfection. They've seen your sin, failure, and weakness over and over again. So, I would start with asking the question and get ready to graciously respond to the answer.
My motto, always in these tough conversations, is start by expressing love. Have the hard conversation graciously. End by expressing love. I would imagine and propose that this conversation is best had before they come. It's not best had as they're walking up the stairs to the bedroom. That is too fraught with emotion and probably isn't going to go anywhere good.
On the other hand, I want to say it's never loving to be a willing accomplice to the sin of someone else. And so, it may be important to say, “We can't let you do this while you're here in our home. We love you. We don't want to lose a precious relationship with you. But this is very important to us.” Knowing again that change in heart is always an act of God's grace; you want to do everything you can to be a tool of that grace. I find 1 Peter 3:15 through 17, very helpful in these regards, and I want to read there:
But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil.
Now, it's very interesting in this conversation, the person who needs to hear the gospel is pursuing the person who has the gospel because they've seen something attractive in their life. And they want to know what makes them tick. And even then, when you give the answer, you do it with gentleness and respect. I want to live such a godly life in front of my children that they want what I have. I think that's such a a beautiful thing.
I was counseling a husband and wife who had a 24-year-old son who came home one day and said, “I'm gay. I want to live with a man. I hate you. I hate your Lord. I hate everything you stand for. And I want nothing to do with you.” Obviously, brokenheartedly, they came to me and asked, “What should we do?” And I said, “Why would you let this lost kid set the agenda for your relationship? Look for every opportunity you can to love this boy. Birthdays, Christmas, whatever, reach out to him, reflect in his life, without compromise of the issue, reflect in his life the love of the Lord Jesus Christ.” These parents did that beautifully and consistently. Four or five years in, they had a knock on their door. It was unusual. And so, they came to the front door, and it was their son. And he said, “Can I come in?” I think he asked because he'd been pretty hateful, and he didn't know how they'd respond. And they said, “Sure, you're our son. Of course you can come in!” And he said, “I don't know what I think about what you believe, and I don't know what I think about your moral convictions, but I know for sure if there are two people who deeply love me, it's my mom and dad. Can I come home?” And that began a deepening of their influence in his life. You see, they presented something deeply attractive.
Listen, in the heart of every human being are two questions. The first is, “Will anybody love me?” The second is more terrifying, “Once they get to know me, will they still love me?” The answer of the gospel is “Yes” and “Yes!” And so, it's a way to not compromise moral convictions, but to be example of the beautiful love that the gospel portrays. You want to deal biblically with the sleeping together issue, but I want to plead with you, “You've got to know that that's not the great issue in these kids' lives. That's just a symptom of a deeper, broader issue. It's that they're living without hope and without God in the world.” And don't deal with this in a way that would close any opportunity you would ever have to get at the deeper issue of their separation from the one they were created to have a relationship with. That doesn't mean to compromise your morals, but it means to do that in a way that reflects love and grace and patience and gentleness and respect.
BF: Paul Tripp Ministries has a free video conference available called Parenting Never Ends. It includes three sessions, “Parenting Young Children,” “Parenting Maturing Children,” and the final session is about “Parenting Adult Children and Grandparenting.” You can hear more from Paul about how to strengthen your relationship with your adult children at ParentingNeverEnds.com.
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