Transcript
Ben Fallon: Paul, last episode, we received a couple of questions from parents who were looking for specific help, and this one is another one, but it's taken straight from your book, Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles. In the chapter on character, you describe a scenario of a stressed out mom with three kids. She's an hour until visitors arrive, and her kids are playing a video game in the other room and not offering to help. You wrote that most parents would be delighted to have their kids entertained and out of the way, but this scenario actually reveals a lack of character in the children's heart.
The question from a grandmother is what specific words would you have used as a parent in the situation to address your children and their lack of character?
Paul Tripp: Let me speak into the situation that is described. First thing I'd say is, “Get a hold of your own heart and emotions first.” If your emotions are raging, you're not ready to deal with this situation because you'll do and say things you shouldn't do.
Second thing I'd say is, this is really important, when you enter this kind of situation, you're disappointed what your children are going to do, they are not directly disobeying you, but they're being unloving and unkind and making a bad choice. “Don't start by making statements.” Some start with judgment, ‘I can't believe you would do such a thing,’” or threat, guilt, shame, or consequences. Start by asking questions, questions that are meant to help a child examine his or her heart, his or her behavior. I have recommended these five questions I'm going to give you over and over again. I think they're enormously helpful. You can do them quickly, or you can do them in a half hour conversation. You can do this with a young person, or you can do this with an adult. They are a way of getting the child to examine his own heart.
The first question is, “What is going on?” Let the child give you their description of the situation. That, right away, will tell you a lot already.
But here's the second question, “What were you thinking and feeling as it was happening?” Now, think about that. That question, in order to be answered, requires the child to look at his/her own heart. They may say, “I was just having fun,” or they may say, “I was mad,” or “He had what belongs to me.” You're going to get what is driving that child from a heart level by even the simplest response, so, “What was going on?” “What were you thinking and feeling as this was happening?”
Third question, “What did you do in response?” That's behavior; get the child to confess clearly what he did.
Fourth question, “Why did you do it?” What you're getting the child then to think about is intention, motivation. In the situation we gave, what was in that heart of those children? Their pleasure was more important than the tough situation that their mom was in that they could actually help her with.
And then fifth question is “What was the result?” “What was going on?” “What were you thinking and feeling as it was happening?” “What did you do in response?” “Why did you do, what you're seeking to accomplish?” “What was the result?” I think those questions are very flexible. They can be asked in a variety of different situations, and then they give you an opportunity to respond, respond to what they were thinking and feeling, respond to what they did, respond to what they were wanting, respond to what was the result, with now a meaningful conversation with your child that's not just, “You broke a rule, you're going to get it!”
Because here's the fact, if all your children needed was rules and regulations, Jesus wouldn't have had to come–they need more than that. You want to talk about the power of confession and forgiveness in words that even a young child can understand. You want to give children the gospel, the gospel of the fact that we are people in need and God sent a helper in Jesus. Talk about consequences, how God uses consequences to cause us to see the danger of selfishness, disobedience, and foolishness, or whatever.
What I'm saying is, “Be willing to have formative conversations with your children even if they're little and they're brief.” You're dealing with a four or five-year-old, you're down on your knees, face to face. You may think that conversation is a total waste of time, but here's what I want to say, “It's not about winning in one moment; you've got to have a process mentality, you've got to be willing to have that same conversation a thousand times.” And each time you're giving the Spirit of God an opportunity to work in the heart of a child.
You don't know when that's going to happen because we don't determine when the winds of the Spirit are going to blow. But I've got to be willing to have this constant “conversation-mentality” as a parent and know that this isn't the final conversation. We're going to have another one, and we're going to have another one, and we're going to have another one. Listen, you don't ever have to worry about missing an opportunity because you live with this child. Guess what? You'll wake up tomorrow and God will give you lots of opportunities.
You have permission to print, repost, share, distribute, and translate this resource as long as you credit Paul Tripp as the teacher, do not charge for this resource, and do not alter the content in any way. If you require an exception or special permission, please email Teaching@PaulTripp.com.
