Transcript
Ben Fallon: Welcome back to Ask Paul Tripp. In the last episode we had a question from Michelle about being married to a believer, but who doesn’t think their marriage needs help and won’t go for counseling. Today’s question, Paul, is also about marriage, but this time submitted from someone who is married to an unbeliever.
Kellie asks, “For a Christian woman married to an unbeliever, is it ever okay to get a divorce because you want to have a spiritually intimate relationship with someone who shares your faith? What if you’ve tried to be a 1st Peter 3 wife for years and there is no sign of any movement?”
Paul, last episode, you applied 1 Peter 3 to a marriage between two believers, so could you do it again, but this time in a relationship where one follows Jesus and the other does not?
Paul Tripp: I want to first say that what you described is heartbreaking to me, I can't imagine. Luella and I have shared such sweet spiritual intimacy; I don't know where we'd be without that, and so, this breaks my pastor's heart. I weep over people who are in marriages and can’t experience the deepest form of unity that human beings could ever experience. Paul calls that the unity of the Spirit. The Spirit of God in you, Spirit of God in me. It's the best platform for unity ever. So, I am so sorry that you're in this situation, and I want my answer to be in the context of the tenderness of my heart toward this kind of situation, whether it's a husband or a wife, it's very hard.
I want to say that because marriage is such a significant thing in God's economy, God's structure for the world he made, the Bible is very, very clear about marriage. First thing, it's the only other relationship, other than our relationship with God, that the Bible treats as an unbreakable covenant. There is no other relationship that the Bible uses that kind of seriousness, severity of covenantal language. So, that tells me in God's plan, marriage is very important. If you go back to the narrative of creation, before the institution of government, before the institution of the church, God instituted marriage. It is the most foundational building block of all human culture. In fact, I would argue that governments can't do well, and churches will not do well, unless they're supported by stable marriages. The family is the building block and the government will never replace what a family is, a marriage is. The church will never replace what a marriage is It is significant and important for that reason.
So, because the Bible is very clear, it's also very clear about divorce. It's very clear about the circumstances in which God frees you from the marital covenant to which you are bound. And I have to say directly because this is the question, that a lack of spiritual intimacy isn't one of those reasons where God gives permission to break the marital covenant, to walk away, and to search for somebody else that you can enjoy that intimacy with. I want to say, as I've said many, many times, “God always meets his children, who are in whatever hardship they're in, with sustaining grace.” I love Paul, in 2 Corinthians, chapter 1, in a passage that's about suffering; I love that he calls our Lord, “The Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.” It's the place to run to in these situations.
Now there's something else that may be hard to understand, and you may think, “Well, it's easy for you to say.” This is not actually easy for me to say, this is hard for me to say, but it is true. “Being a child of God, being his blood-bought children, doesn't give me a ticket out of suffering.” Because I'm a child of God, it doesn't mean that the hardship that other people face, the heartache that other people face, will not be in my life. For whatever his purpose is, and we know it's for his glory and our good, between the ‘already in our conversion and the not yet of our home going,’ God has chosen for us to live in a miserably broken world, so broken, so fallen, that Romans 8 says we live in a “world that's groaning.” You groan when you're in pain. You groan when you're frustrated. You groan when you're disappointed. You groan when you're in something that you can't escape. We live in a groaning world. Maybe that hardship is financial trial. Maybe it's physical sickness. Maybe it's marital disappointment. Maybe it's family betrayal, or a host of other things, but we all live in that world.
Luella and I have faced very, very hard things, even in our marriage. There was a moment when Luella was living with a nasty, angry man, and we wondered if our marriage would survive. I've gone through significant life-altering sickness. So, everybody who lives in this fallen world will experience the weight of its groaning in our lives. And so, you need to know that you have, in the hardship in your marriage with a husband that you don't know spiritual intimacy with, you haven’t been singled out for particular suffering. Your Lord is not being partial; he hasn't turned his back on you, he's not ignoring your pleas.
There's another thing I would say, and this too is sometimes hard to grasp. God gives us something better than a lack of hardship. He gives us something infinitely better than a lack of a life that is comfortable and pleasing, a life that delivers our dreams to us. What he promises us is himself. God is the best gift he's ever given. The giver is the gift. And he has the ability to fill our hearts with more contentment and joy, more courage and hope, more gratitude and thankfulness, than a marriage could ever give to us. There is a joy deeper than marital joy. There's hope deeper than marital hope. There's contentment deeper than marital contentment. And it's ours in Christ.
I want to say another thing. In commands like 1 Peter 3 to a wife, to just live a quiet, godly life and with the hopes that you'll win your husband without a word, God doesn't put a time limit on his commands. He doesn't say to parents, “You be patient and forgiving with your child twelve times and at the thirteenth time, just beat the crap out of him.” That's just not God's commands. God's commands are forever as long as we're on this side. And so, I continue to do what God has called for me to do, not knowing when those things will have the result that I would love to have.
My grandmother is an example of this. She was a wonderful, faithful, godly woman who was blind, who loved Scripture. She didn't know Braille. She would listen to Christian broadcasts, and she would record whenever the Bible was read and she would memorize it, and she memorized whole portions of Scripture that way. She lived a godly example in front of my grandfather who was a miserable and abusive man. I could tell you stories of his abuse, but I don't want to do that. It was awful. I hated when we would go and visit them because he was so mean and abusive. But every day, my grandmother faithfully lived the gospel in front of this man. It was hard and she would weep at the life that she had, but she did not abandon God's plan. My grandfather came to Christ at eighty-six, and I could never, ever forget his testimony. It was the moment when he was baptized, as this elderly old man, and he stood in the waters of baptism, and they asked him to give his testimony, and he said, “I could argue against the theology of the church. I could argue that the only reason for the Sunday gathering is the offering plate because it's just another money-making enterprise.” But then he stuck out his elderly arm, and he pointed into the first or second row where my grandmother was sitting, and he said, “But I could not argue against the life of this woman!” And of course, as his family, we sat there weeping. I don't know when God works as I follow him. We long as parents for greater work in our kids' hearts and we continue to speak the gospel and live the love of the Lord Jesus, and we leave that with him. But God is good and he is wise and his ways are right and true, and his commands are good, and so we follow him. He doesn't tell us what's going to happen and when it's going to happen, but his ways are right and true, and he is good, and we get up in the morning the next day, and in the face of disappointment, we still do what he's called for us to do!
BF: Thank you, Paul. The most comprehensive resource we have for your marriage, again, is Paul’s book, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs To Make, although it would look different in a relationship if only one spouse is following the Lord. You can find out more at PaulTripp.com/Marriage. Or, if you’re a listener and married to a believer and this answer doesn’t apply to you, you probably know someone in this situation married to an unbeliever. Could we ask that you share this answer, or any answer of Ask Paul Tripp, with someone else? Every time you do, you’re helping us connect the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.
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