Transcript
Ben Fallon: Paul, last episode you answered a question about being married to an unbeliever, and today’s question is how someone finds themselves eventually in that situation.
Natalie asks, “I’m a woman of God but am dating someone who is hesitant towards God, the church, and believing in Heaven and Hell. I definitely think he sees my heart and how joyful I am, and hopefully sees the reason my heart is this way is because of God. I pray every day for God to open up his heart and to receive him. My boyfriend came to church with me this past weekend (he usually doesn't want to come with me but he knows it is important to me so he did come). I don't know if my boyfriend is someone I will marry. I hope it works out but having a relationship with God for my future partner is important to me.”
So Paul, what counsel would you give to a believer dating a non-believer, and then, more general, dating advice for believers: what should someone be looking for in a future spouse?
Paul Tripp: Whenever I answer these questions, I'm reminded that I can never give specific counsel to anyone that I don't know. If I were in an office with an individual, I would ask a ton of questions that would help me give specific and wise counsel. So, my answers have to be general.
I'm going to start with this. My son was in a relationship that was fraught with problems, and as parents, we were very concerned about where this relationship would go, and what, if they got married, what it would mean for their lives? And when this troublesome relationship finally ended, I asked my son what he had learned, and I will never forget what he said. It was striking enough and wise enough that I have repeated it over and over again, like I'm going to today. He said, this is so smart, “I gave away my heart before I exercised my brain!”
This is how it often happens. We get romantically involved with someone to the point that it's hard for us to think about being without them, and asking the kind of foundational questions that we should have asked before our hearts got so intertwined. So again, I want to say what I love about the Bible is that it's so practical at an ‘everyday street level.’ The guy who created us understands the world we live in; he understands the things that we will face, so he lovingly offers us wise guidance. The kind of guidance that speaks exactly to where we live and struggle, and there is wise guidance on this issue.
Listen to this passage in 2 Corinthians 6:14 through 16.
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God.
Maybe you heard this, you think, “Paul, what in the world is this about, and how in the world is it practical?” Well, I must say this passage doesn't pull any punches. It's quite straightforward. It's meant to confront us with a profound, let me say it again, “profound spiritual differences between a believer and an unbeliever.”
Now, these differences are so great that they affect everything we think, everything we desire, everything we choose, everything we decide, everything we say and do. The future hope of a relationship is about something profoundly deeper than whether the person is nice, or whether you share things in common, or whether they have a nice personality, or whether you're attracted to one another, or whether you've been able to have good times together. The future of a relationship roots at a much deeper life-shaping level. And so, there are four ways this passage captures the deep spiritual difference between a believer and an unbeliever.
The first thing he says is, “What partnership does righteousness have with lawlessness?” Hear what he's talking about. He's talking about a person's individual moral code. Every person has a moral code, every person has a standard of right and wrong that they carry around with them. And there are really only two options: either I get my moral code, my definition of what is right, from almighty God and his Word, or I get it from myself–whatever I choose to call right and wrong. Agreement on moral right and wrong is vitally important for a relationship. You have got to share moral code, or you're going to have such trouble living with one another and making decisions. It's so important.
Second thing he says, “What fellowship does light have with darkness?” The Bible uses light as a symbol for truth. Not only is it what I think is right and wrong; it is what I believe to be true and false? Where do I get that standard? Is my standard the Word of God? And what God says is true, I believe is true; and what God says is false, I believe is false. It's impossible to have a long-term, healthy relationship when you don't agree, actually, on what is true or what is false.
Third thing he says is “What portion is shared between a believer and unbeliever?” ‘Portion’ has to do with something that you have in common that you both share. It's a way of talking about unity. And Paul is saying, “If you don't share the same moral code, if you don't share the same understanding of what is true and false, how can you share basic unity with one another? You are living on two different spiritual planets.” And one of the things that has to happen is in all the decisions that a marriage couple is going to make, those decisions only become possible when you're starting with unity, where you both want the same things, you both believe the same things, you both have the same understanding of what's right and wrong. That foundation of unity makes all the discussions and all the decisions and all the choices you've got to make, as a couple, possible. So, it's moral code, system of truth, foundational unity.
Here's the fourth thing; it's the worship of God versus idols. Now what is he talking about there? He's talking about what rules and controls your heart. Worship is not first a religious thing; worship is about what rules my heart. And again, if I'm not worshiping God, then I am, by the very nature of that, worshiping some God-replacement. If my heart isn't ruled by love of God and submission to God's authority, then my heart is ruled by some God-replacement. And the most obvious replacement is self. The idol of idols is the idol of self.
So here are the four things. “Moral code,” “System of truth,” “Foundational unity,” “What controls my heart?” And Paul is saying, “How can you possibly have what a marriage is designed to be, if in those four foundational, life-shaping things, you don't agree?” So, at the deepest spiritual level, a believer and an unbeliever are fundamentally different. As different as is possible for two human beings. Where they look for right or wrong, what they believe to be true, what forms of relational unity, what rules their heart; they are absolutely in different places. And this makes a long-term relationship, the kind of relationship that God meant marriage to be, fundamentally impossible.
So, I want to say what God says here, this is not Paul Tripp saying this, this is God's clear directive, “Don't do this!” It can never be what you want it to be! It gets down to this question, “Am I going to do what God has clearly called for me to do,” the God who loves me, who knows me, knows how I operate, knows what's important? Am I going to do what he calls me to do or what my heart desires for me to do? And, let me say, there's grace, intervening, rescuing grace, empowering grace for that struggle!
BF: If you’re thinking about marriage yourself, or know someone in this stage of life, then Paul’s book, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs To Make is a great resource to read in advance or gift to someone who is dating or engaged. You can find that at PaulTripp.com/Marriage. Whenever you share a resource from Paul Tripp Ministries, you’re helping us connect the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.
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