Transcript
Ben Fallon: Happy New Year, and welcome to a new season, if you will, of Ask Paul Tripp. My name is Ben Fallon, the Executive Director of Paul Tripp Ministries, and we’re back in 2025, this new year, with new answers from Paul. Last year we released our first 50 episodes, but Paul spends a lot of time in the fall and winter with his adult children and grandchildren, so we took a few months off from recording. But Lord willing, we’ll be consistent uploading new episodes for you every Thursday and Saturday, where Paul provides helpful, practical, gospel-centered answers to your questions about everyday life.
Paul, today’s question comes from Michelle. She asks, “How do you love a husband who is a believer, but prideful and unteachable? I want to get counseling for our marriage, but he thinks we’re fine and refuses.”
So, if both husband and wife are believers in Christ, but there is significant stubbornness from one party, how would you deal with that?
Paul Tripp: So, it's very hard when you're living, as a believer, with a believer, but your marriage isn't what God says it should be. There is sin and conflict in your marriage that's not being dealt with, and you want to get help, and the other person doesn't want to get help. The first thing I want to say about that is, “Don't allow yourself, as the years go on, to question the wisdom and the goodness and the faithfulness of God.” Because if you allow yourself to be envious of other couples, to think that God has given you a bad deal, that somehow you are not as important to him as other people; when you begin to question God's goodness, what's devastating about that is you don't go to him for help.
I have counseled a husband or a wife, who in the midst of that kind of marriage, have become bitter and cynical. I had one person say to me, “I can't read my Bible anymore; I can't pray anymore.” That's because that person doesn't trust God anymore. And that's a very, very bad place to be because then you don't go to him for the help that only he can give.
But I want to frame this question, generally first, and then get to some Scriptural specifics. The scary thing that we face in every human relationship, whether it's marriage or parenting or friendship or body of Christ or neighbors or co-workers, and the list goes on, is that no human being is in possession of the power to change another human being. We just don't have that power; we wish we could. We wish there could be one thing we would say or one thing we could do that, boom, that person would change and would be everything that they are meant to be. But we just don't have that power!
Now why is that? Well, it's because change is a matter of the heart. The heart in the Bible is the control system of a human being. And so, this means that your choices, your decisions, your words, your actions, only go where your heart has already gone. That's the way God designed human beings to operate. So, I can force you into certain behaviors by force, by shame, by guilt, by threat, by manipulation–so, I can get behavior out of you. But I don't have any power to actually change you because I don't have that kind of control over the thoughts and desires of your heart. Only God has the power to change; and change, therefore, is an act of his convicting and power in transforming grace. So that's what you always have to face. It doesn't matter what relationship we're in, we have to face and own and accept our inability to change another person.
Now having said this, it doesn't mean that there isn't anything for you to do. Let me give you a passage. This is 1 Peter 3:1-4.
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external–the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear–but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.
Now there are four directives in this passage that I think are enormously helpful. The first one is, “Don't fight the leadership of your husband in places where it's not necessary.” It's very striking that Peter knows he's talking about a believing wife and an unbelieving husband and he says, “Respect your husband; go along with his leadership.” Now, if you're dealing with an unbelieving husband that's not an axe murderer, there are all kinds of places where you can willingly respect him and live in agreement with him. You don't have to fight over everything because he's an unbeliever, and you surely should not treat him with dishonor and disrespect because he's an unbeliever. Because that's never going to go anywhere good, that man's going to become angry and bitter and defensive because you've treated him without respect. Every human being has dignity, and every human being, at some level, is worthy of respect.
Second thing that Peter says is, “Remember the power of godly conduct.” The way you act, the way you conduct yourself, is very, very important because maybe a person can argue against your theology, and argue against the programs of your church, make fun of some of your beliefs; but there's power in a godly way of living, and God can use that to disarm and convict another person.
Third thing he says is, “Prioritize inner beauty.” Peter's not saying. “Stop combing your hair and putting on makeup and dress like a slob,” that's not what he's saying. What he's saying is that more than physical beauty, you want to display the inner beauty of what God alone can produce; some character traits that are attractive to anybody. You say, “Well what are those traits?” Well, the Bible gives us: love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The power of love, the power of joy, the power of peace, the power of kindness, the power of patience, the power of goodness, the power of faithfulness, the power of gentleness, and the power of self-control. Those are all tools in God's hands to work in the heart of the other person. Don't fight the natural leadership of your husband, be respectful; remember the power of godly conduct; prioritize the inner beauty of character that God is able to produce.
Fourth thing is “Have a gentle and quiet spirit.” Now, he's not saying, “Just shut up!” What a gentle quiet spirit is, it means my heart is at rest because I really do trust God with that other person. I rest in his power, I rest in his grace, and because I do, I don't try to do what only God can do. Often believers, who are living with unbelieving people, try to nag that person or guilt that person into faith. That never works because you're trying to create change that only God can create. So, you don't have the power to change, but God has given you a bunch of things to do that are tools in his hands in the life of the other person.
Again and again, what the Bible says in this kind of situation is, A, “Don't try to do what God can do.” You can't force conviction, confession, and a desire for change on another human being. Threat doesn't work, shame doesn't work, guilt doesn't work, and if you force a person into counseling, the problem with that is a counselee is not a counselee until a counselee is a seeker. There is an old counseling joke that says, “How many counselors does it take to change a person?” And the answer is, “Only one if the person really wants to change.” And so, it doesn't work to force a person into a situation they have no heart to be in.
So, where does that leave you? It leaves you with the call of God to live a godly life before a resistant believer. The same kind of godly life you would live before an unbeliever. Keep your standards high. Don't get down and don't get dirty. Don't play the self-righteousness game. Don't throw in front of that person how much better you are than they are. Guilt and condemnation are not the pathway to getting that person ready and willing for change.
Should you constantly remind them that change is possible? Yes. You should do that regularly and that you're ready and willing to be part of that change. You should live the fruit of the Spirit in front of that person, joyfully, demonstrating the benefits of dealing with your heart issues. You should give a good example of confessing your own sin; when you have sinned, confess it. Show them that change is a good thing and change is possible. But ultimately, you have to trust God that God will work in the heart of that person and do what you alone cannot do. And until he does, you have to rest in his goodness, rest in his faithfulness, rest in his presence, rest in his power. It's hard! It's always hard to long for that person to be something that they're not. Every parent experiences that; it's the stuff of human relationships!
BF: Thanks, Paul. The best resource we have for your marriage is Paul’s book by the same title. It’s called Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs To Make. You can learn more at PaulTripp.com/Marriage. Remember to come back every Thursday and Saturday for a new answer from Paul.
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