Transcript
Ben Fallon: Paul, last episode we had a question from a believer who was dating an unbeliever and wanted your advice. Today, we have a scenario from a brother whose sister is about to get married to an unbeliever, and he wants to know how to address this with his sister, or if he should address it at all. So, here’s the question from all the way across the other side of the world in Australia:
“My sister has been in a relationship with a non-believer for the last 7 years and is getting married to him. I’m in the wedding party and I would love to give her a copy of your book, Marriage. My wife and I have been married for two years and were gifted your book as a wedding gift and we’ve really enjoyed it. Obviously, the ideal answer is the book brings her back to Christ, but secondarily and more realistically, I would like her to just read the book. My sister was raised a Christian, but now sadly is distant. She claims she still has a faith and she prays and I see her joining in with worship at Christmas with the family, but she has no other church community and lives like a nonbeliever. I recognize that your book is clearly for believers, and I don't believe her unbelieving (but open) financé is likely to read it with her. I have thought carefully about crafting a letter. I will be praying for my sister and her fiancé and that the Lord may open doors to witness to them and strengthen and grow them as they tackle the crazy challenges of marriage.”
So, Paul, in this situation, would you write a letter, or what would you say? Or would you “let it play out” and see what happens? This guy wants to know if he should write a letter, or what he should include in the letter.
Paul Tripp: Surely this is a situation that requires that important combination of wisdom, humility, and love. Wisdom means that it's very important to think distinctively biblically about this kind of situation. And I want to talk as specifically as I can about what was described in this question because that frames the whole way I would deal with it. If I were counseling a relative of a person who had been in a love relationship for seven years, and this person feels no need to be part of a good church community, this person displays no need at all for relationship with Jesus, this is the person that's getting married that I'm concerned about. What would I conclude is that the upcoming wedding, can you hear me say this, is a marriage between an unbeliever and an unbeliever.
And I have a reason for saying that. 1 John 2:19 says, “they went out from us, but they were not really of us; for if they had been of us, they would have remained with us; but they went out, so that it would be shown that they all are not of us.” So, John is saying, “If a person walks away from the faith for an extended period of time, the indication is that they weren't a believer in the first place.” Do I know that for sure? No! But John is saying, “You must quit assuming that this person is a believer because there's no indication in the way that they live that they are a believer. John says, “They went out from us because they weren't part of us.” So, there's a good possibility that this sister, in this situation, is not actually a believer.
Matthew 7:15-17 is talking about false prophets, but I think it applies really in this situation, “You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit.” Let me start with a physical example, “If you look at an apple tree, and it has apples on it, you're never confused about what kind of tree it is because the fruit tells you what kind of tree it is.” And what Jesus is saying is, “the same is true of people; you actually know people by the fruit of their life.” A person who has no interest in the church, no interest in pursuing a relationship with Jesus, lots of interest in somebody who is not a person of faith, that probably is an indication that they're not a person of faith either.
Now, having said that, you may still be concerned about this upcoming marriage, and you may want to be able to offer some wisdom or some counsel. But I think it's important to understand, you're probably not dealing with a believer and an unbeliever; you're probably dealing with two unbelievers.
I don't think a last-minute letter before a wedding is ever well received–that train has left the station. To find a way to lovingly express your concern, I have no problem with that; you love this person. But I would be as concerned about the bride's spiritual condition as I am about who she's marrying because, ultimately, in terms of eternity, her spiritual condition is way, way more important than her earthly marriage, although, it's right to be concerned about that, too. If she was excited about her relationship with Jesus, if she was part of a really good church with solid Christian community, I wonder if she would be excited about marrying an unbeliever. But she's not part of either one of those and that's why this situation exists.
BF: Thanks, Paul. Of course, we would recommend gifting Paul’s book on marriage to anyone considering marriage or about to get married, but in this situation, the bigger question is actually about lovingly confronting another person. For Paul’s best material on relationships, you can check out his book, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making at PaulTripp.com/Relationships. Or, we have a video series called, Your Walk With God is a Community Project. That’s available at PaulTripp.com/Community.
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