Transcript
Ben Fallon: Last week, Paul, you answered a question about listening to secular music, and today is kind of along the same lines, or maybe not at all. This message comes from a pastor who asks:
“Is it appropriate for Christian women to read sexually graphic romance novels?” He goes on to say that “I've noticed that certain romance book series have gained popularity on TikTok, and recently among a group of women at our church, including my wife. I've since come to discover that the books include sexually explicit scenes, although maybe only 2-5 pages in the entire 700–800-page book.” When asked about these scenes, some of the Christian women I know have stated something along the lines of, “Well, I find no pleasure in them, I just read it for the overall storyline, which is very engaging.” So, here's the question. “Do you believe reading these books that have infrequent explicit sexual content is objectively wrong for Christian readers?” And then, “How can pastors approach this issue with grace and love?”
Paul Tripp: I think, again, it's important to remember that Satan comes robed as “an angel of light.” Not everything that appears harmless is harmless, and I don't really think the issue is that the novel may border on pornography. Here's one of the issues that I think is going on often, and it's mainly a female audience. These ladies don't realize that they love that novel-world because it's so much more exciting than the world they actually live in.
And what happens then, in their marriage, is their husband can't compete. He's not the ultimate man that's written into those novels. And five or six years into marriage, no one has that steamy romance because you wake up next to your wife and she has zoo breath, and you have robin's nest hair, and you're arguing over taking out the trash. None of that stuff is in romance novels because they wouldn't be interesting. That world is a ridiculously false fantasy, and if you buy into that, if that becomes your definition of romance, oh my goodness, I'm so concerned about your marriage because yours will never compete with that. Your husband will vomit. Your kids will poop on the furniture. It's just what life is, and so it's not just the matter of sexually graphic.
Now, I want to sort of push back on the how much is too much because that's like saying, “How many toes can I hang over a 500-foot cliff without falling?” Or “How much poison can I drink before it will hurt me?” Or “How many volts of electricity can I sustain before my heart stops?” You see, God's good life, the good life that he's prepared for us, the life of deep satisfaction and joy isn't found at the edge of the cliff. It's not found pushing against the fences until you have fence marks in your face. It's found living in the middle of the yard because there, in the middle of the yard, is every good thing that God has promised us and that we should desire.
Some romance novels will be wholesome, entertaining, and beautiful. Some romance novels push against sexual pornography; I mean, they're just, often a romance novel will just be pornography in a tuxedo. So, it's vital to know the difference because you don't want to give your heart away before you have exercised your biblical brain. Let me say that again, “You don't want to give your heart away before you have exercised your God-given biblical brain.” There are two passages that I think are incredibly helpful here. One is Ephesians 5; this is going to be a rather long passage.
But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness or foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things, the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, “Awake, O sleeper, and rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”
Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but wise.
That's Ephesians 5, 3 through 15. And then another passage is in Philippians.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me–practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
That's Philippians 4:8 and 9. So, be thankful for God's moral boundaries. They are good for you. Be thankful for God's loving warnings that are meant to rescue us from us. And again, be discerning.
With the romance novels, there would be two questions I would ask. The first is, “Does this expose me to sexual temptation, to things that I would otherwise not be exposed to and be thinking about?” The second thing is, “What impact is that unreal romance having on me and the way I think about my marriage and my relationship with my husband: Is it having a negative effect? Is it causing me to be discouraged or despondent or critical?” And I have to say this, what I've said about romance novels applies to everything on your phone, to TikTok, to Instagram, to X, to Spotify, Netflix, Hulu, Prime Video, Max, whatever, podcasts, broadcast TV, and every other form of popular media. Probably the summary passage that I love that's been a friend to me is, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” Proverbs 4:23. Guard your heart, because everything you do in life, everything you desire, think, your choices, your decisions, your actions, words, is shaped by whatever is in control of your heart. God says, “Guard your heart,” and I have found if you do, you will be glad you did.
BF: Thank you, Paul. I have two resource recommendations for you after hearing that answer. The first is Paul's book, Marriage: Six Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make. It was previously titled, What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, as you could hear from Paul's answer. And then we have, Sex in a Broken World: How Christ Redeems What Sin Distorts. You can find both of these books at paultripp.com/books.
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