Transcript
Ben Fallon: Paul, last episode of “Ask Paul Tripp,” you answered a question about grace-based parenting and how to differentiate between parenting with grace versus parenting with law. Because we get questions about marriage and parenting all the time, could you share a real-life example from your own marriage of how you and Luella deal with each other with grace instead of law?
Paul Tripp: Well, I can't just give examples. I will give an example, but I can't do that without giving, again, a theology and a methodology. I have to say this because this is so important to me because it is a common misunderstanding when we talk about grace in parenting and grace in marriage. Please hear what I'm about to say, “Grace in marriage or parenting is not about being permissive. It's not about denying the other person's sin. It's not about allowing yourself to be mistreated. That's not grace. Grace never calls wrong right. If wrong were right, there would not be a need for grace. Jesus had to die for our sin because sin is real and horrible and destructive and leads to death. So that means that grace is a way of dealing with wrong that does not respond in anger, that does not seek to hurt in return, that does not wish bad on the other person.” Let me say that again. “Grace is a way of dealing with wrong, confronting wrong. Grace confronts in a way that does not respond in anger, that does not give way to bitterness, that does not seek to hurt in return, that does not wish bad on the other person.”
Here's the question of grace, “What is God doing in this moment and how can I be part of it?” Now, why would you ask that question? Because you have to have this theology in your mind. If your eyes ever see or your ears ever hear the sin, weakness, or failure of your husband or wife, it is never an accident. It's never an interruption. It's always grace! God loves your spouse. He will reveal their spiritual needs to you so you can be a tool of conviction, confession, and repentance. That's the theology that you have to have in your marriage.
God is working in your marriage. If you are two Christians, you are both in the middle of your sanctification–you're not sin-free yet. And so, God is committed to continue to eradicate sin in your life, to continue to form you into the image of Jesus, and marriage is a major tool of sanctification. So, God will expose the spiritual need of that other person to you. He will expose their sin, weakness, and failure, not because he wants to mess up your marriage, not because he doesn't want you to be happy, but because he wants you to be an instrument of his ongoing work of redemption in that person's life.
So, what does that look like? Let me give you a humbling example. We live in Philadelphia in a loft. That means if you walk into our unit, you walk down a hallway, then it breaks into 16-foot ceilings and there's a suspended metal stairway that goes up to a loft bedroom. I do my work in the main part of the loft down on the first floor, and Luella does her work, her artwork, up the steps at her desk. So, one day, I'm writing, I'm in a moment of high spiritual holiness; “I'm serving Jesus with my writing.”
And Luella comes to the edge of the loft to ask me a question. And I snap at her in my righteousness, “Do you know what I'm doing here?” It's impatient, it's unkind, it's unloving. And she just walks away. She comes back, though, doesn't give her heart to bitterness, isn't interested in hurting me in return. And she says to me, “Can I interrupt you for a minute?” I said, “Okay.” She said, “Can I ask you what I did to deserve being treated that way?”
I mean, that's like a dagger into my heart. Here I am, I'm writing the gospel to other people. I can't even live the gospel in my own marriage! Now, if she had gotten in my face and ran down the steps and stuck her finger in my face, said, “Don't you dare ever…” What does that do? That excites my own anger. And we're in a knockdown, drag-out battle!
But she didn't do that. She disarmed me with grace. And she just, after saying that, turned and walked away. I mean, I'm just seeing my sin. And I walk upstairs, and I say, “I need your forgiveness. There's no place ever where it's right for me to treat you that way.” Now, there's an example. Luella, by responding that way, removed herself. She wasn't looming large over me, you know, “How dare you do this to me?” It's not what's going on; she spoke words that penetrated into my heart.
And I could give a hundred examples of that in marriage. That's being an instrument in God's hands in the life of another person. So, you have to get a hold of your anger. You have to quiet your own hurt. You have to pray. You have to ask God, “Okay! What are you doing in this moment? What do you want to reveal? What do you want to change? What needs to be confessed? And how can I be a tool of that work?”
Someone asked me, because we've been married a long time, “What's the key to a long-term marriage?” And I said, “It's very easy, confession and forgiveness!” You have got to be willing to confess what in you has been revealed. And you have got to be willing to forgive when the other person owns what's been revealed. And I want that kind of marriage. And I want to be a tool of that work in God's hands.
Do Luella and I always do this well? I wish we could say that we do. We've been married for 53 years, but we're still working on our marriage. But we're glad that God has given us a model, because that has been such a rescuing grace in our marriage.
BF: Thanks, Paul. In the same way that Paul wrote a book on how to parent with grace, he also has a book on marriage. It's called Marriage, Six Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make, available at paultripp.com/marriage. May God give you the grace this weekend to treat your spouse or your kids with grace.
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