Transcript
Ben Fallon: Thanks for joining us again on the “Ask Paul Trip Podcast.” Paul, for these next episodes, I want to ask you some questions about your anger. It's actually been one of the most frequently asked questions that we've received now for well over a decade because in your book, Dangerous Calling, and elsewhere, you write that you were a very angry man, and that Luella was very faithful over a long period of time of bringing that anger to you.
So, a lot of women have been curious to know about how Luella dealt with that anger because they're probably in a similar situation in their marriage. So, if you could talk a bit more about your anger in the early years of your relationship with Luella, and then give some general gospel advice for couples dealing with anger or another prevalent sin, I think that would be very helpful.
Paul Tripp: I think that throughout the years as that anger grew and became more evident, more destructive, Luella was a very good example of speaking the truth in love. She didn't come to me bitter, vengeful; she didn't get down and get dirty, but she made it very clear that this anger was wrong, it was sin, it was not acceptable, and she was not going to accept it as a norm in our relationship. And I think when God finally got a hold of me and I began to see my anger, that was the fruit of all that Luella had done over the years of just keeping that anger in front of me. She wouldn't let it pass, but not in a way that was beating me up or fighting anger with anger.
And I want to say that just takes enormous grace. If you're dealing with an angry person, you need not just to pray for that person, you need to pray for yourself because the normal response to anger is anger. The normal response to being hurt is to hurt back. And so, it takes enormous restraining grace to be able to respond in a way that doesn't just make it a cycle of anger that destroys a marriage.
Now, if this sin is wrong and it's destructive to a marriage, it means you can't have a good biblical God-honoring marriage and find a way of working around that anger. It is the huge elephant in the room, and so, it's got to be addressed. And sometimes when it looks like it's getting more and more violent and could explode into physicality, it's important to break the cycle of evil. And what I mean by that is that if the anger is directed at you, you need to get out of the presence of that anger. And so, what I say to people is, “It's completely proper to separate yourself from that person, not as an act of vengeance, not first for divorce, but to break the cycle of evil so that we don't continue to build more and more destruction, and so that person can get help.”
I want to say this very clearly, “Don't do that by yourself. Go to your church, get help!” I was a pastor; there were two or three times where we had to step in, get a safe house for a wife, and then to begin to work with the husband with the hope that sin would be dealt with, that the marriage could be reconciled. I think this is the reason God has put his church on earth because a marriage is never safe living in isolation. A marriage should always live in the context of the church, in the context of the body of Christ because there are resources that you're going to need that you don't have as a husband and wife. That's true of everybody. And so, if my marriage has lived inside of the body of Christ, if I'm known by my pastor, my wife, and me, it's natural then for us to go to our pastor and say, “We're at an impasse, we need help.” And so, you're doing that with a hope that this sin will be dealt with, that help will be given, and that the marriage can ultimately be reconciled. That's never something you should do on your own. That's something that you should do in the context of the help and the wisdom and the guidance of the church. But you should not make peace with something the Bible says is sin because that's never a pathway for a marriage going forward.
And I am so grateful; I can't say this enough, that Luella would not make peace with this. And her firmness that this was wrong, and this could not be part of our marriage was part of what God used to rescue me from myself.
Let me say some things about this. You don't solve this kind of problem in marriage by taking a nice romantic weekend. The couples I know that have done that, guess what happens on the weekend? They end up in a big fight, having wasted a lot of money and a lot of time. Those kinds of things just don't work. If anger is about the heart, angry words don't start with your mouth, they start with your heart. They start with attitudes and sin in the heart. And so, you have got to get at the heart of that or you won't end up seeing that anger being addressed. And so, it's very, very important to stand against that, but stand against that in a way that's loving and gracious, but firm.
I love that, “truth in love.” And I've said this many times, I'll say it again here, “Truth not spoken in love ceases to be truth because it gets bent and twisted by other emotions and other agenda!” And that kind of love, love in the face of sin, is not natural for us; it's supernatural! And that's why we need God's grace so that we can stand against sin, but in a way that's not vengeful.
BF: Thanks, Paul. “Paul Tripp Ministries” has a resource available called How to Be Good and Angry. We recorded it many years ago, but the message of Scripture applied to everyday life remains as relevant as ever. So, if you're struggling with anger in your life, I would encourage you to either get the video series or listen to the audio. That's available at paultripp.com/anger.
Next episode, we'll ask Paul more about his anger and how his brother Ted was used by God to expose and confront it. Keep tuning in every Thursday and Saturday for a new episode of the “Ask Paul Trip Podcast.”
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