Transcript
Ben Fallon: Welcome back to the “Ask Paul Tripp Podcast.” Since we talked last week, Paul, about Father's Day, your regrets as a father, advice for young dads, we have another parenting-related question. Here it is. “For those who grew up in a law-driven church and family culture, how can we, now as new parents, embrace grace-based parenting without swinging the pendulum too far; is it even possible to be too far on the grace end of the spectrum?”
Paul Tripp: So, I want to give the model that I always give here because people say, “Well, does grace mean I never enforce rules?” And I have to say this, “Grace never acts as if sin isn't sin!” If sin weren't sinful, if breaking God's Law wasn't a horrible thing, the cross would have never been necessary. The cross tells us that sin is serious–it meant the death of the Messiah!
So as a parent, being gracious is not being a compliant parent who just lets anything happen. That's not grace. In fact, that's the opposite of grace. If God had just left us in our sin, how would that ever be grace? That would lead to our destruction. So, how do I think about being an instrument of grace? This I had to pound into my head, and it's been a mantra that I've repeated again and again in parenting conferences and in counseling individual parents.
Hear what I'm about to say, “If on a given Tuesday, your eyes see or your ears hear the sin, weakness, and failure of our children, it's never an interruption, it's never an accident, it's never a hassle, it's never just a time to punish; it's an opportunity for grace! Now, why is that? Because God knows what your children have needed, and he has exposed the need of your children to you. That's God already working! The reason you're hearing is because God wants you to hear because God loves your child. The reason you're seeing is because God wants you to see because God loves your child. And so, you move toward that child now saying, “God's already at work, or I wouldn't be having to deal with this.”
And so, the question is, “How can I be part of what God is doing in this moment?” So, it's not just a punishment for an offense; it's “What are all the things God wants to accomplish in the heart of my child in this moment?” That's correction, calm correction, that's instruction, “Why is this wrong? What was going on in your heart at the moment that made you do this?” and then gospel preaching every time. It's because we have these weaknesses, it's because we sin in this way, because of the attitudes of our heart that Jesus came. Jesus came to rescue you from you; “You can confess your sin to him, and he won't turn you away.”
And so, I'm going down the hallway thinking, “I want to give my child ears to hear, eyes to see, a greater knowledge of their heart, a greater knowledge of their need for Christ, while I'm disciplining the wrong that was done. Christian parenting is not a set of rules and a set of punishments. Yes, you have rules and, yes, there's a rightful role of discipline, consequences, but it's much, much more than that. And so, I always want to remind myself that I'm hearing these things, I just saw Johnny punch Susie, because God loves my children, and he wanted me to see it so I can be a tool of his transforming mercy in the life of that child.
I want to say too that God's Law is actually a tool of his grace. I mean, remember when the Law was first given it wasn't given so Israel could achieve relationship with God. God had already placed his love on Israel, redeemed them from captivity to Egypt, and then he gave them his Law. It was because he loved them, he wanted them to thrive. And so, when I lovingly enforce God's Law, Law gives a knowledge of sin; it's a wonderful tool in God's hands. That’s very different from self-righteously screaming at the Law and pushing a kid into his room and slamming the door and walking away. If anything, that embitters the heart of a child versus those conversations.
Now, I want to say one more thing about this, “You can't have a goal of winning every time because the work of transformation is progressive.” And so, I know that I'm only going to get so far in this conversation with this three-year-old, but he's in my house. I'm going to get 10,000 more moments. And over the years, we see knowledge of right and wrong set in, we see love for authority set in, we see insight into the sin of the heart begin to grow in the child, we see confession and seeking the help of Jesus in the child. That doesn't happen overnight, but as we're faithful to this step-by-step way of proceeding, we look back and see how God works.
Final thing, “You don't have the power to change the heart and life of your child–you have none!” You are never anything more than an instrument–change is always an act of divine grace! And so, you can't say to yourself, “If it's the last thing I do, I'll get my child to X.” No, you can't create a submissive, obedient, compliant, grace-loving, sin-confessing, Jesus-loving child. You have no ability to do that at all. That's a work of grace; you're an instrument!
BF: Thanks, Paul. If you want more from Paul that can help you create a grace-based home, check out his book, Parenting, 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family. It's available at paultripp.com/parenting. And come back on Saturday for an episode about “Grace-based Marriage.” Thanks for listening.
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