Transcript
Ben Fallon: Today's question, Paul, comes all the way from Guatemala, and Jonathan is asking for some advice about babysitting and date nights with his wife. They have one toddler and another baby on the way, but both his parents and his in-laws don't share their Christian faith, and they're hesitant to leave their kids with parents because of what they might be exposed to. What advice can you offer to us in this situation, they ask?
Paul Tripp: Well, so when it comes to dating, I just really want to emphasize that I don't have a direct, thus saith the Lord, for what I'm going to say. And that's always important to be honest about that, to make a separation between clearly written and declared biblical wisdom and your attempt to, to the best of your knowledge, live in a way that's spiritually and relationally healthy. So I don't have a “thus saith the Lord,” but I want to give my best shot at this answer.
Luella and I knew very early in our marriage that under the frenetic busyness of parenting and the frenetic busyness of ministry life, that we wouldn't get much time together. And we were concerned that in all our busyness, we wouldn't be nurturing our relationship, and that we would begin to grow distant from one another. We had seen that happen in other marriages. Marriage, because it's a relationship between a flawed person and a flawed person living in a fallen world, needs maintenance. You can't leave your marriage alone. Our marriages will need work until we're on the other side. So this may seem radical to people who are listening to my answer, but Luella and I covenanted with one another that we would be out of the house once a week, somehow, someway.
No, we didn't go bowling. We didn't go to a movie because the idea was to be with one another; to have the kind of conversations we couldn't have in the busyness of our family and ministry life. Often that would be just a couple of hours in a park because we didn't have any money, or a meal at a very cheap local restaurant. And we have done this religiously for years, and it's been a wonderful blessing and protection of our marriage.
If you are a Christian couple, then it's safe to assume that you attend a church where there are couples like you. And one of the things that we found that worked is we're just very honest with couples about that commitment. And we would say, “Why don't we just babysit for one another? We'll give you a regular night of freedom; you give us a regular night of freedom.” And that actually worked quite well. Just suggest a babysitting exchange and keep asking until you hit a couple that's willing to do that. If you commit to focus time together, and you pray that God will provide, and you communicate honestly your need, there's a way of working this out.
Now, when it comes to the grandparent issue, I can't comment on that because I don't know these people. I don't know what your concerns are, and it would just be wrong for me to address that. I would finally say, if you have no other choice, make it a habit of putting your children to bed early. I'm a believer in the sanity for parents of putting children to bed early so you have time between when they go to bed and when you go to bed. There's one great thinker who said, “Insanity is hereditary; we get it from our children!”
So you want to have that downtime, but occasionally make that dating time in the house, like make a meal together and have fun doing it, and then sit down and enjoy conversation with one another. Please turn off your devices and just enjoy an evening once a week where there are no interruptions, there are no devices, your children are in bed, and you can enjoy one another's company. Your marriage needs that kind of attention, that commitment says to each other, “I love you and I want to prioritize this relationship.”
I want to say something that I absolutely think is true. Your best gift to your children is a good marriage because a messed up, distant, conflictual marriage just has such a detrimental effect on parenting. But when you're a unified front, when your children understand that if they talk with you, they're talking with the other person at the same time, that what you say, the other person's going to agree with, that they can't separate you, divide and conquer because you have a good, strong, deeply unified marriage because you've worked on it; when your children see how much you love one another, that's safety and protection and joy for them. So prioritizing the health of your relationship is very important and a regular time together, date night if you would call it that, is a very good way of achieving that.
BF: Well, Jonathan and his wife in Guatemala say they listen to the Paul Tripp podcast and are encouraged by the weekly answers, and they often share these episodes with others. We are so grateful for the international reach and impact of Paul Tripp Ministries, which is only made possible by generous donors. So if you want to contribute to the mission of PTM around the world, making gospel resources freely available to people like Jonathan and his wife, you can consider partnering with us at paultripp.com/gift.
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