Transcript
Ben Fallon: Thanks for joining us for a new episode of Ask Paul Tripp. Paul, today we have a heavy one from a grieving mother of a young man who passed away from cancer. She is comforted by the fact that he was a child of God, and now he's healed and in heaven with Christ, but she just doesn't understand why. She says he was such a good kid, he had a heart for others and contributed to the cancer community in many ways. “I just don't get it,” she says. So if you can speak gospel comfort to a parent who is grieving the loss of a child.
But then not only that, but she also shared in her question that her other son, naturally, is struggling with the loss of his brother, and that's manifesting as anger towards God. So not only is this mom grieving herself, but she's also trying to figure out how to comfort and shepherd her other grieving son who is now angry at God. So if you could speak into both of those issues, that would be helpful.
Paul Tripp: Well, I want to begin by saying that death is just a horrible thing. And I believe that death is so wrenchingly sad and weird because it was not part of God's original plan. It was not part of his design for his world and for us. And it's important to understand that the existence of death is not because God is punishing us, or not because he's forgotten us, or not because he's too weak to help us, but it's a horrible part of life in this fallen, dysfunctional world. We live in a world that no longer operates the way God originally intended, and part of that is disease and death. And it is just natural when that happens to just say, “Why?”
So I want to be completely honest with my answer here. I want this to be compassionate, understanding, but I think this is a conversation that we need to have. This side of eternity, there's just no answer to the ‘why’ question. As I've said, that question has been the human cry from the time of the fall of Adam and Eve; it echoes through every generation of humanity. “God, why me? Why him? Why her? Why now? Why here?” We all cry out in the pain of our grief and loss, and we are all confused when this shocking thing, called death, enters our door.
Our problem is that we live between these two worlds: the world of God's revealed will, all the things he tells us about himself, his plan, our world, ourselves, his promises, his grace, and the world of his secret will, the way that he has chosen to rule his world that we're not privy to. And it leaves us with this deep, painful wonderment. When I think of this, I often think of conversations I used to have with my children when they were little, maybe just barely walking, and I would say “No” to them. And they would say, “Why, Daddy? Why no? Why are you saying no, Daddy?” And I knew that I couldn't give them an explanation that they would understand. And I would first say to them, “Well, is your daddy a horrible daddy?” They would say “No.” “Does your daddy just love making you cry?” They would say “No.” “Is your daddy mean?” They would say “No.” I would say, “Then, you need to know that Daddy said ‘No’ because he knows what's best for you. And you can walk down the hallway and say ‘My daddy's a bad daddy,’ or you can walk down the hallway and say, ‘My daddy said “No” to me, but I know he loves me.’”
When you and I are faced with the crushing pain of loss, it's tempting to demand from God answers that we're never going to get and say, “The only way I'm going to trust you is if this makes sense to me.” We think those answers would help us through our grief, but at best we're left just to wonder and try to fill in the blanks on our own because God has chosen in his infinite wisdom and boundless love not to reveal his secret will to us. I think he does that because he knows that we would not be able to handle the knowledge of his secret will. He's not doing that because he's deceitful and manipulative, but because he loves us. So, this leaves every one of his grieving children with two choices. And these are literally the only two choices in these crushing moments where we groan in pain at what we're facing, where you wake up in the morning, and you can't believe that this is your life.
First choice is, “I will believe that God is who he says he is in his Word. I will believe, I will choose to believe that he's perfectly holy, perfectly loving, perfectly wise, perfectly just, who always keeps his promises, and is near to the brokenhearted; and I will run to him with my grief. I don't understand; I hate that this has happened, but I'm going to choose to hold on to the God who is revealed in the Bible.” Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” 1 Peter 5:7, “Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” I embrace those descriptions of who God is, those promises of what he'll do for me, and I run to him.
Or there's a second choice. Because of your loss, you conclude that God is not good. You judge him as unfaithful and unkind, and you run from him. Here's the reality, you and I will never be able to cross the creature-Creator boundary line. We will always be hit with mysteries. Some of those mysteries–very painful. And when we do, we will believe that God is who he says he is, and we'll come to him with our grief and our unanswered questions that come with it, will cause us to quit believing and walk away from our Lord. These are very, very difficult moments.
I love that Romans 8:26 and 27 says in these moments God meets us with his Spirit. And even though we don't know how to pray because we're so confused, he takes our groanings, and he carries them to the Father in words too deep for understanding. Groan, God doesn't turn his back on your groaning but has provided a way that your groaning has meaning. I am deeply persuaded in these moments; rest of heart doesn't come in understanding, rest of heart comes in trusting the one who understands all the things that we don't. And that's a hard choice, but it's the best choice now, and the best choice eternally. In your grief, in your confusion, in the echoing of unanswered questions, run to your Lord and not away from him. His secret will is secret as a protection, as an act of love, but he is good, and he is near. And he hears the cries, the groans, of the brokenhearted.
BF: Thank you, Paul. Well, many years ago, Paul recorded a five-part radio series called “Grief.” It's about how to think and what to do when death enters your door and grief surrounds your soul. You can listen to those episodes or read the transcripts at paultripp.com/grief.
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