Transcript
Ben Fallon: Thanks for tuning in to “Ask Paul Tripp.” Today we have two questions from parents of adult children. The first is from a dad who emailed in, “I have a daughter who appeared to be a believer in her early adult years. She fell away in her late 20’s and has deconstructed. Her beliefs now tend towards Buddhism. I read Hebrews 6:4-6, and it sounds like it describes her exactly. Is it impossible for her to ever be restored to faith?” So, Paul, let me read Hebrews 6:4-6 for us and then you can answer.
For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt.
Paul Tripp: So, this is a place, I think, this is a heartbreaking experience for many parents where there appeared to be sparks of faith in their children, and their children have walked away from the gospel and from the church. And so, I think it's important, when you're going through that heartbreaking experience, that you understand that it's Scripture that interprets Scripture. You need to have a careful understanding of what the Bible says about people in that condition. I think the first Scripture that is helpful is found in 1 John 2:19, it says this, “They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us. But they went out, that it might become plain that they are not of us.”
So, John is saying when people who look like they were believers completely forsake the gospel, forsake their belief in God, forsake the Christian community, walk away, it's not because they're lapse believers; it's because they weren't believers in the first place. We're not talking about a momentary season of doubt, we're talking about people who long-term have walked away. And so, it's important to understand that if that's long-term, you have to look at that person, not as a believer who has backslidden, but as somebody who probably wasn't a believer in the first place. Their faith is like that parable of the seed that was on hard ground that didn't actually take root. And so, it looks like it grows a little bit, but when the heat of sun comes, it quickly dies because it doesn't have true roots.
Now, let me go back to the Hebrews passage, because I think it's an easy passage to misunderstand. It doesn't mean that a person who has believed at one point and now has walked away, that it's impossible for them ever to be saved again. That's not what the passage is teaching. Because people ask me all the time, “Is there hope for my son or daughter?” And I say, “Are they breathing?” As long as there's life and breath, there's nobody who exists outside of the power of the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ to illumine their mind, enlighten their heart to produce conviction, confession, repentance, and true faith. Nobody is beyond that.
Here's what this means. As long as I hold the gospel that has Jesus as its hope in contempt, as long as I hate that gospel, as long as I mock that gospel, it's impossible to repent. That just makes sense. You can't despise Jesus and yet run to Jesus for help. That's all the passage is teaching. So, it's that spirit of contempt for God and the gospel that grace needs to break down in order for that person to feel conviction, make confession, and return in faith to Jesus. That's all the passage is teaching.
And so, I want to look for every opportunity in that child's life to reflect the gospel. And I want to look for every opportunity to speak about the gospel. I want to model the love and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ in that person's life with the hope that that will soften their heart, that they will let go of their contempt of the gospel. And when they do that, then their heart is softened, and they're able to experience conviction and seek forgiveness and make repentance.
BF: A similar question, Paul, but this time from a mother with an adult son. “My son is in his 30’s and he's not hostile towards the Christian faith, but seems to have no personal interest or relationship with God. We did our best to raise him in a household of faith, and all of our other adult children are strong believers. How do we try and push him back to the faith, or do we need to let him figure it out on his own? I don't know how hard to push or if at all.”
PT: So, I'm at an age in my life where I have four children ranging from 47 to 38, and Luella and I have really been confronted with one of the hardships of parenting adult children, and it is that when your children are little, there's so many things in their lives that you have the power to alter, the power to change. And you're really confronted with adult children with your inability to change the important and significant things in their lives. Here's the scary truth of parenting. It is that the most important thing that has to happen in the life of a child, that is, surrender to God, you have no power to cause, you have no power to make. As parents, we are never the change agents. God is the change agent. As parents, we are never anything more than tools in God's hands.
Now here's the truth of that. This means that no matter how righteously you act towards your children, they have to transact with God, or they won't be okay. And you can't make that transaction happen. This means, you can't actually push one of your children back toward the faith.
Now, I want to repeat what I've said already. You should live the gospel before your adult child. You should incarnate, model, the patient love and grace of Jesus in the life of that child. You should look for gospel opportunities, just those natural places to talk about the gospel to your children. You should pray without ceasing, but there's something else you should do. You should entrust the soul of your child to the Lord, because he alone has the power and ability and willingness to do in the heart of your son or daughter what you couldn't do. That's where we stand.
Should you invite your child to church? Sure. Should you do things that put him or her in contact with the Christian community? Sure. Should you take opportunity to find ways of talking about the gospel? Sure. But you can't force an adult to love Jesus. You can't force them to believe the truths of Scripture. You can't force them to want to participate in the life and ministry of the body of Christ. Only God has the power to create those desires. So, we do what we are able to do; we pray without ceasing, and we entrust the hearts of our children to the goodness and wisdom and sovereignty of our Lord.
BF: Thanks, Paul. Whenever we get these questions, we do pray for the individuals or families who are asking. As Paul said, these are heartbreaking situations and in addition to trying to answer your question, our team will bring this before the Lord and ask for his mercy on your behalf. Please try and remember to keep Paul Tripp and the entire team at Paul Tripp Ministries in your prayers as well. Pray for Paul that he would live what he teaches, and for the team at Paul Tripp Ministries that we would be faithful to the calling that God has given us as we “Connect the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.” Thank you for your prayers!
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