Transcript
Ben Fallon: Welcome back to “Ask Paul Tripp.” Last episode, Paul, I had two heartbreaking questions for you from parents of adult children who had walked away from the faith. Today, I have a rather lengthy question for you from a mom, Amy, who signs her email, “A heartbroken mom.” Here's her question.
My daughter is seventeen and a half years old, a junior in high school. She's our only child. She's addicted to Korean pop or K-pop music, idolizes Beauty and the Girls, is addicted to their Instagram, and follows some lesbians on social media. In January, I discovered an entry in my daughter's journal to a therapist where she identifies as bisexual. After watching these K-pop videos, I felt that there might be a connection between her attraction to the music and her feelings of identity. She went to a traditional Christian school since kindergarten. My husband and I are Christians. We took her to church almost every week.
My daughter follows several lesbian accounts on Instagram and spends a significant amount of time on the platform, especially since she began online school last August. I'm concerned about her online activity. I'd like to talk to my daughter about K-pop and her Instagram use. Could you advise me on the best way to approach this conversation? She has closed her mouth to me and my husband for the last couple of years.
Paul Tripp: So, I want to repeat this again, because I think it's very important, that if I had this mom in the room with me, or if I had her daughter in the room with me, I wouldn't start by giving answers. I would start by asking questions. And those questions would help me to be more specific in the counsel that I would give. Having said that, it means I can only answer this question in a general way.
I think it's really important to understand that the problem with this teenager that's being described is deeper than social media. It's deeper than K-pop music, and deeper even than lesbian attraction. All these things are actually symptoms of something that's deeper and more life-shaping. It's going to take me a while to answer this question. I think it's important to listen to the words of 1 John 2:15.
Do not love the world or the things that are in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world–the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life–is not from the Father but is from the world.
Now here's what John is actually saying. He's saying, “Don't you understand that the heart is the control center of a person's personhood?” So, a person's life is shaped by what the heart worships; that means whatever is in control of that person's heart. And there are only two options: A person's life is shaped by worship and service of the Creator, or worship and service of the creation–the world. John says there are only two things that can control your heart. Your heart is either controlled by love of the world and whatever the world has to offer, or love of the Father and whatever the Father has to offer.
And so, what you're dealing with is actually the deepest issue of the human experience–it's worship. It's the question, “What is it that will rule and control my heart and shape the way that I live my life?” So, teens like this girl don't first have a social media problem; they don't first have a sexual problem–they have a worship problem. That’s the thing that would keep them from being attracted to the dark things on social media and to relationships that God says are forbidden. The thing that would keep them from that is a heart that loves the Lord. That's the issue.
And so, yes, I can protect my child by restricting them from social media, from a circle of friends, whether digital or real, that encourage them in a sexual direction that is wrong. So that protection is helpful; it may be vital, but I have to remember that the body of a human being, their eyes, their ears, their physical members, will always go where the heart has already gone. And so, you should never stop holding up what is right and true. You should never let your teen shut you out. You should do these things with the hope that you will be God's means of getting at your teen's heart. But you should also see your teen as a person in desperate need of the kind of rescue that only God can do because they are attracted to the world because they've given their heart to the world. And if your heart is controlled by love of the world, the love of the Father cannot be in you. And that's the battle.
Now, let me say, my relationship to a child like this should be instructive, protective, and corrective. Instructive first, I want to teach, teach, teach, teach, teach, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, converse, converse, converse, converse, about what is right, good, and true. After instructing my child, I have to look for ways of protecting my child from what is harmful. That may mean restricting phone use, restricting social media use, restricting use on the computer, and it may mean correction. That is, if the teen rebels against that, then there may be some kind of discipline that is necessary for that child's good. It's not a result of my anger; it's not a result because I'm mad at them. But I have this constant relationship of instruction, protection, and correction. I do this with patience. I do this with grace. I do this with the same love that God has given me in Christ. I don't throw my righteousness in front of them and say, “I never would have thought of doing what you're doing” because that just drives the child away. I must understand that I share identity with them. I still have sin inside of me. I can still make foolish choices. I can still have wrong desires. So, I approach them as someone who needs everything that I say they need. But I continue with instruction, protection, and correction, knowing that the change that needs to take place in them, only God can make.
BF: Thanks, Paul. And Amy and other parents of teens, we have two resources for parenting during these years. The first is Paul's book, Age of Opportunity, a biblical guide for raising teens, which you can find at paultripp.com/opportunity. We also have a video series called Parenting: It's Not What You Think It Is. And the third session of that video conference talks about thriving in the teen years. You can find that online at paultripp.com/store. Or, if you ever have any questions about recommended resources for your situation, our team would love to help. Send us an email to store@paultripp.com, and we can provide you with some options.
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