Transcript
Ben Fallon: Paul, today's question is a long one. I'd like to get your perspective on this since you and Luella have four adult children and six grandchildren. Here it is.
My wife and I are greatly blessed with two wonderful sons who married two wonderful Christian women. They bore us nine most special grandchildren who are currently between the ages of 13 and 27. Two are married and all are believers. They were or are all homeschooled and were taught the Bible and Christian principles during their school years. The children are all uniquely gifted, intelligent, caring, and some most sensitive to others and their needs. Three are employed with Christian organizations, and one is serving an internship with a major Christian organization.
We are most thankful for the training their parents provided, as we are immensely blessed and thankful. Our concern, however, is that we send monetary gifts for graduations, weddings, birthdays, and Christmas. Except for the youngest one still at home, we rarely receive any expression of thanks. Not an email, text, card, or even verbally when we get together later. We've been praying about how to address the situation. Our concern extends to others that may have sent gifts and received no acknowledgment as well.
Initially, I prepared a letter telling them how much we appreciated them, their maturity and accomplishments, and our love for them. I then addressed our concerns about their neglect in expressing thanks. My thought was to send the letter to their parents first for their consideration.
And then, Paul, he goes on to ask for your advice about how to write the letter, what to include, etc. So, again, you're the father of four adult children and six grandchildren; “How would you provide counsel to this grandfather?”
Paul Tripp: Well, we do have four married children and six grandchildren. Right now, it's the joy, and in many ways, the focus of our lives. And because we're convinced that the Bible is the best generosity story ever, you could summarize the story of the Bible from these words in John 3, “For God so loved the world that he gave.” We have a dramatically, a beautifully, an expansively, a graciously giving-God with amazing generosity.
So, we've determined we want to be a model, an example, a physical example of God's generosity. I use this phrase a lot, “God makes his invisible generosity visible by sending generous people to give generously to people who need generosity.” You are God's arms and hands in his generosity-agenda on earth. And so, we give as much as we're able in help, encouragement, and provision. And we do that, please hear what I'm about to say, not expecting anything in return. God placed his love on us, “When?” When we were still his enemies. At that moment, we were unable to recognize his existence, let alone respond to him in gratitude for his generosity. We had no capability of doing that at all!
But here's what's important to understand in this topic. The commission of our Savior is to love others as he has loved us. That is freely, liberally, no matter what. To this day, I am incapable of being as thankful as I should be. And if God kept a gratitude score sheet against me, he would immediately withdraw his generosity and his love from me.
Is it wrong for your children, and/or grandchildren. not to be thankful? Yes, it is. Is it unloving for them not to express that thankfulness to you? Yes, it is. But look, it is nearly impossible for you to have that conversation with them without looking like your gifts aren't an expression of love but are a contract. If a gift carries a requirement, it ceases to be a gift. Let me say that again. “If a gift carries a requirement, it ceases to be a gift.” The gift of salvation is a gift because there is nothing we could ever do to earn it. It's freely given, apart from how much we deserve it or our ability to earn it.
So, I would say this, “Give with joy.” You know why you give with joy? Because you know that the only reason you're able to give is because God has loved you and God has blessed you. You give with joy knowing that God will bless the gift, and he'll bless the giver. And you don't allow your heart to keep a gratitude score. I got to say that again, “Don't be a scorekeeper.” Such a record, if you keep score, that record will embitter you, and it will do harm to the relationships with your loved ones. Go out and model the generous love of the Lord and feel thankful and blessed that you can do that. Don't turn this, don't turn gift-giving, into a legal obligation because then it ceases to be a gift. And don't keep a record of wrongs that always will embitter your heart.
BF: Well, if you're the parent of an adult child or if you're a grandparent, I would highly recommend a free video resource that Paul Tripp Ministries produced called, “Parenting Never Ends.” It's three sessions, “Parenting Young Children,” “Parenting Maturing Children,” that's teens and adolescents, and in the final session, “Counsel for Parenting Adult Children and Raising Grandchildren.” It's called, “Parenting Never Ends” and it's completely free at ParentingNeverEnds.com.
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