Transcript
Ben Fallon: Paul, today's question comes from Andrea. She emailed in:
I came across a statement in your book that has me curious about identity from your understanding of Christ in our lives. The statement is, “No person can be the source of your identity.” I know our identity is in Christ and the Holy Scriptures, but doesn't our earthly father have a direct role in shaping the woman we become?” There's a bit more context to her question. She continued, “My father passed away from cancer when I was eleven. As grief has been cyclical for me and changed my perspective as I achieve milestones in age, I find myself revisiting my loss in a different way. My belief is that fathers shape their daughter's identity in a very profound way, either good or bad. I won't ever know what it is like to have been raised with a father's love and protection from junior high, high school, and into womanhood. I believe my identity has been compromised as a result. I'm truly fascinated to know what tiny pieces make up a woman's identity through her father's love and protection or lack thereof.
So, Paul, your answer for Andrea?
Paul Tripp: Before I answer directly about a father's shaping influence on the identity of a daughter, I want to step back a little bit and put this context in a larger biblical gospel context. Very early in your reading of Scripture you come to understand that God created human beings to be rational beings. Immediately upon creating Adam and Eve, God begins to talk to them; we could actually say that God is counseling them. Now why is he doing that? Because he knows they are interpreters. He knows they're going to have questions about who they are and who he is, and what is the meaning and purpose of their lives, and what are they supposed to do with their time, and what is this garden about, and what are the rules here, and all those things that everybody does. God has hardwired us to think; but he also hardwired us with the desire to make sense out of who we are and what our lives are about. We're all meaning-makers.
I've said this, it seems like 1,000,000 maybe it's only 900,000, but everyone is a theologian, everyone's a philosopher, everyone's an archeologist, who will dig through their life to make sense out of their existence. And at the epicenter of a quest for meaning, a quest for understanding, is this question about identity? Now, when we talk about identity, theologically, we're not just talking about who you are, but we're talking about more significantly where you look for meaning and purpose, where you look for your inner sense of well-being and security, what it is that gets you up in the morning, what causes you to function with courage and hope, where you run when you're discouraged or afraid, what commands the allegiance of your heart and, therefore, directs your life? In other words, the deepest issue of identity is, “Who or where do you look for life?”
Because this is true, it's dangerous to look horizontally for your identity, given what I've described that means. Your family of origin, your friends, your marriage, your kids, your career, your money, your physical health and appearance, power, sex, success, position in this fallen world, none of these things will do for you what you want them to do. They will all fail you in some way. Nothing on earth is capable of giving you that life that everybody longs for. Everybody wants hope. Everybody wants meaning and purpose. Everybody wants a reason to get up in the morning and live with courage. The only place to find this kind of identity is when you look vertically.
Whenever I talk about this topic, I think of Ephesians. Ephesians is one of the best gospel rants in all of Scripture. Paul lays out the glory of the gospel in three chapters; and then in the next three chapters, he applies that to everything in your life. It's awesome! But in this little letter, he uses the phrase, “in Christ,” or one like it, thirty-three times! Now, there's a message in that. He's saying, “Look here, look here, look here, look here, look here, look here, look here, this is where you look for your identity!” Anyplace else will fail you.
Now, let's talk about parents and identity. God designed parents to be a foundational, formative influence in the lives of children, and they always are. Parents are always powerfully influential for good or for bad. This means that much of who we are has been shaped by the powerful influences of our parents–sometimes I hear my dad coming out of my mouth, and I think, “How did he get in there?” I'm not thinking about him; I'm not thinking that I wished I was like him. But all of a sudden, my dad, and the unique way he looked at life, is coming out of Paul Tripp's mouth. Even at the age I'm in, that's still happening. That's how powerful that influence is.
There are ways that Luella communicates, shaped by her family, that are different than the way I communicate, shaped by my family. My sense of humor is clearly “Trippish.” Luella doesn't have that kind of humor. I jokingly say when God was giving out humor, Luella thought he said, “Tumor,” and she said, “I don't want one of those.” It's just, we're different! We're shaped by it, and that, in ways, is inescapable. It's the way God designed it. And I have to say that for some of us, that's a joy; for others, that's a cause of deep sorrow and struggle.
So, is a father a powerful influence in the life of a daughter? Absolutely! Are there places where you should celebrate that? Absolutely, and not run from it! Are there places where some would mourn that? Absolutely! But no dad is the foundational identity of his Christian daughter–God is! And your identity is now in Christ. Galatians 2 20, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” That is the clearest identity statement and the power of that identity in Christ in all of Scripture. Parents are hugely influential, but putting your identity only there will always fail you in some way. You look for identity vertically!
BF: Thank you, Paul. Paul hasn't written a book on ‘Identity,’ but the most comprehensive unpacking of the subject can be found in chapter 10 of his book, Lost in the Middle. In it, Paul talks about the temptation to look for identity in success, relationships, righteousness, or possessions. It's a very helpful chapter and a very helpful book about discovering who you are. That's, Lost in the Middle, available at PaulTripp.com/Lost.
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