Paul Tripp: If something other than God is ruling my heart, if my heart is controlled by a desire for acceptance, or for power, or for control, or for appreciation, or for a certain level of possessions, that will control the way I live in regard to you, and that will always produce conflict when we get to those topic areas that we deal with every day.

Kate Crowley: Welcome to Right Here, Right Now and today's program from Paul Tripp Ministries. Join us as Paul connects the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.

Male Voice: I joined my small group because I really thought I needed closer and more consistent relationships. I went that first night a little bit nervous but with lots of hope. So many people had encouraged me to join, and they all told me what a good experience it had been, but I have been so disappointed.

At first, I felt like such an outsider, you know, like attending someone else's reunion. I told myself that it was because I was new. I told myself that before long, I would get to know some people, and I would feel like part of the group.

After a few weeks, I came to the conclusion that this simply wasn't a very friendly group of people. Yeah, I know; I'm a bit shy, and I do analyze people too much. And I can be a bit critical at times, but I'm not a monster to be avoided.

When Jarred asked if I'd like to play touch football with some of the guys, I was up for it, but it turned sour too. Okay, so I can be a bit competitive, but he didn't have to dress me down in front of guys I had just met.

Sure, I see people from the group in church on Sunday. They seem friendly in that environment, and they always tell me they miss seeing me at small group, but I'm not planning on going back. I just don't need the hassle. I have enough conflict and disappointment in my life without looking for it somewhere else. I can get along with myself quite well; and for now, I guess I'm content to do just that.

Music: "Streets of Philadelphia" by Bruce Springsteen

I was bruised and battered and i couldn't tell
What i felt
I was unrecognizable to myself
I saw my reflection in a window i didn't know
My own face
Oh brother are you gonna leave me
Wastin' away
On the streets of philadelphia

Kate Crowley: This is Right Here, Right Now. And don't go away because Paul Tripp begins his lesson, "Worship is the Key" from the series, "Conflict" in just a moment.

Now, sometimes conflict begins with what comes out of the mouth; and to help with that, Paul has authored a book on the power of godly talk called, War Of Words. It's available at paultrippministries.org.

And while you are online, don't forget to read Paul's latest blog. You can also look up other resources designed to help with the incredible grace that God provides. That's paultrippministries.org. Right now, here's Paul Tripp with more Right Here, Right Now.

Relational Resignation

Paul Tripp: You know it would be nice to be able to say that Ben was alone, but I'm convinced he is not. I think that many of us have given up on our relationships in some way. I think that many of us are living in a condition that I would call 'relational détente.'

It's sort of a relational cold war. We haven't actually walked away from the relationship, but we're not in it in the way that we once were in entrusting ourselves to the other person, trusting the other person--in it in that vulnerability that really makes a relationship what it was meant to be.

Perhaps we are still there, but we're there with much more self-protection. Maybe it means we have careened from relationship to relationship, hoping that perhaps the next one would, in fact, end up to be different. Maybe it means we carry bitterness around us like a heavy backpack, and it affects the way we see people and the things we say and do toward them. Or maybe it means that your relationships are good, but they could be a whole lot better.

I have this experience almost every Sunday. We go to a rather large city church, and I often sit in the balcony of our church and look over the congregation. I love to watch people worship, and maybe I'm nosey, but I like to sit up there in the balcony.

And as I look over the congregation, I get overwhelmed at moments as I think that each individual person sitting in each individual seat, scattered throughout that entire room, represents a story. And each one of those people is, in fact, in some kind of interlocking web of relationships.

And I sit there sometimes trying to think about the web of the relationships that's represented by every person, and I wonder what their relationships are like. I wonder what it would be like if we would go down each pew, down each row, person by person, until we had coursed through the whole congregation. I wonder what it would be like to watch the video of the stories of relationship in each of those people's lives--it's overwhelming to think about!

But I wonder how many of those relationships are really benefiting from the stunning wisdom that can only be found in the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ? And I do wonder, as you're seeing people in this public setting, you're seeing their personal public persona put forth; you're protected from the privacy of the story that takes place behind closed doors?

I wonder how many of those relationships are really benefiting from the wisdom of the Lord Jesus Christ? And I do wonder how many of those people are actually stuck in relationships of ongoing conflict? And I wonder how many of those people don't know what in the world to do?

I do wonder how many people sitting there, singing hymns of praise, sitting there publicly praying and professing their faith, sitting there listening to a sermon, I wonder how many of those people have settled for something less than what God has designed their relationship to be? I wonder how many of those relationships suffer from a huge disconnect from the truths of Jesus Christ to the realities of their everyday life?

Music: "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" by Simon & Garfunkel

When you're weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all
I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

A Word Picture of Worship and Conflict

Paul Tripp: Now, I want to do something with you that I have never done before, but I think it's the way to unpack our topic. I want to paint a visual picture for you with words. Now, if you're listening over Sirius radio, and you're driving your car right now, pay attention to the road; don't get yourself into an accident, but I'm going to paint a picture for you--here it is.

It's a picture of how relationships operate by Biblical description. And before I paint the picture for you, I want to start with a very significant, a Biblical relationship principle; and then I want to unpack it with this picture that I've been talking about.

Here it is--here's the principle. A good, lasting, and solid relationship of unity, understanding, and love is not rooted in relational skill; it is rooted in worship. Now because that principle is a bit wordy, and because I think it's very, very important, I want to repeat it for you again.

Here it is. A good, lasting, and solid relationship of unity, understanding, and love is not rooted in relational skill; it's rooted in worship.

Now maybe you are thinking, "Paul, I don't have any idea what that means. What does it mean when it says that a good relationship is rooted in worship? How could that be?"

Well, worship is a tricky word. In fact, I'm more and more persuaded that there's much of Biblical language that we use all the time that we don't, in fact, understand. Huh!

I was on a seminar weekend, and I asked people if they could define the word faith for me. Now there's probably no more important word in Scripture than the word 'faith.' Maybe the only competing word for importance is the word 'grace.' But I asked people to define the word 'faith.' Well, the first person said. "It means to believe."

I said, "Well, what does it mean to believe?"

The second person said, "It means to trust."

I said, "Well what is it mean to trust?"

And the third person said, "It means to have faith." We had done the circle; we had not yet defined the word--a very, very familiar word that people are using all the time, and very often these words are not well understood. So let me explain the tricky word 'worship.'

When you hear the word 'worship,' what immediately comes into your mind is a gathering--hymns, an offering, and teaching, and preaching. Now that's a service of worship; it's a service of public congregational worship, but worship is used in a much more fundamental way in Scripture.

Worship is presented in Scripture as first being an identity before it's ever an activity. You worship because you are a worshiper.

Now, what does that mean? It means that something always rules your heart. Something lays hold of the control center, the desires of your heart. You're always serving something in your life whether it's the creation or the Creator. And this means this; if a good lasting and solid relationship of unity, understanding, and love is rooted, not in relational skill, but is rooted in worship, it means that our relational problems must first be dealt with vertically before they're ever dealt with horizontally.

You see, my problem with you is not primarily that I fail to love you enough; my problem is that I fail to love God enough; and because of that, I fail to love you enough. You know, again, we turn the two great commands on their ear--rather than loving you because I love God, I use you to get the things that I love.

Now, what I would like to do is I would like to paint this picture for you this way. Imagine you have a blank sheet of paper and on it is a triangle. And that triangle is divided into three sections horizontally. We're going to call the first section, the top near the point of the triangle, 'issues;' the second section, 'lifestyle; ' and the third, base bottom section, 'worship.' The' issue' section, there at the top at the very point of the triangle, are those everyday practical topics that we live with every day. It's schedules, and duties, and time, and money, and roles, the roles that we assign to one another, possessions, interests, expectations, and our everyday talk.

Now, those are the places where our problems break out. We fight over schedule; we fight over duties; we fight over time; we fight over money; we fight over possessions; we fight over roles; we fight over interest; we fight over expectations, and we fight over talk.

Now it's easy to think that if we agree on those topics, then our relationships will be okay. But we don't live just at that issue-level; we also live at the next level down at a lifestyle-level. You see, we have defined our roles in a certain way. We do have a certain communication lifestyle; we do have particular ways that we resolve conflicts. We do solve problems in certain ways. We do make decisions in certain ways.

Now the lifestyle that you bring of communication, and conflict resolution, and problem solving, you will bring to your discussions of schedule, and duties, and time. So this is what this means--if there are problems at the level of lifestyle, they will always depict themselves at problems at the level of the issues.

But there's a third level--it's the level of worship. That's the level of what rules my heart. If my heart is ruled by a desire for a certain thing in the creation, that will cause me to communicate in a certain way; and that will cause me, as I communicate in a certain way, to deal with the particular issues in my life in a certain way.

If your heart is ruled by a certain thing, that will shape the way that you communicate and solve problems with me, and that will result in a particular way of dealing with the issues that we're dealing with.

Here's what this means, if you're going to solve conflict in a relationship, you can't just do it at the level of issues. You can't just do it at the level of lifestyle; you have to do it at the level of worship.

Here's the point, if something other than God is ruling my heart, if my heart is controlled by a desire for acceptance, or for power, or for control, or for appreciation, or for a certain level of possessions, that will control the way I live in regard to you, and that will always produce conflict when we get to those topic areas that we deal with every day.

You see, our problem in relationships is a problem of worship. When we're ruled by something other than God, it always creates conflict in our relationships.

Music: "Be Still My Soul" by Selah

Be still my soul
The Lord is on your side
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide
In every change He faithful will remain
Be still my soul
Thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through stormy ways leads to a joyful end
Oh, be still my soul
When waves and winds still know
Still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below

Where Change Begins in Your Relationships

Paul Tripp: So, where does change begin in your relationships? It's an important question, and the answer is sort of counterintuitive for us all. It's not the way we tend to think. All of us, in some way, somehow, sometime, tend to think that if change is going to take place, it's going take place first in the other person. And if that other person, who troubles us so, who irritates us so, who makes us angry--changes, then the relationship will change.

But the Bible says something quite different. The Bible says that change in your relationships actually begins with you, and where does it begin in you? It begins in your heart. If you really want to see peace in your relationships, you have to be committed to starting with you--that's just the place we don't really want to start. And you have to begin by examining your heart.

Now, having said all of that, I want to spend just a moment explaining what the Bible means by the heart. The Bible essentially divides a human being up into two parts: the outer man and the inner man. The outer man is your physical self--it's your body, your earth suit. It's a house for your heart.

And then the second part is the inner man. Now, there are many words used in Scripture for the inner man: mind, emotion, spirit, soul, will; and they're all collected in one big basket term--the term 'heart.' That term is used in some 960 passages of Scripture. The heart is the essential 'you.' The heart is the true 'you.' It's the motivational 'you.' The heart is the steering wheel, the control center of the human being.

Now, you sort of know this is true. When you say you're getting to know somebody, you don't mean that you have a much deeper understanding of their nose, or their ears, or their elbows. You actually mean the heart. You mean I'm getting to know how this person thinks.

I know what makes him happy. I know what makes him sad. I can predict his reactions. A relationship is really the connection of two hearts. So you have to start with your own heart. You have to exam what is in your heart, because what is in your heart will control the words that you say and the things that you do as you interact with other people in your life.

Now as the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ was being predicted in the Old Testament, one of the wonderful things that was promised is that He would bring to us new hearts. Now, what does that mean? Well, it doesn't mean a perfected heart. In fact, there's a physical example used of what new heart means. It says that the heart of stone will be taken out of us, and it will be replaced with a heart of flesh.

What's stone like? Stone is hard; it's rigid; it's not moldable. It can't change; and it says that that heart is going to be taken out of us, and it's going to be replaced with a heart of flesh. You can squeeze flesh; you can mold flesh; it's malleable. What is that a picture of? It's a picture of changeability. When Jesus comes into my life, He gives me a heart that's now capable of change.

You see, your relationships can change; they really can because the control center of your relationships, the heart, is now able to change because of the person and the work of the Lord Jesus Christ. There is hope for your heart, and there's hope for your relationships because Jesus Christ gives you the capacity for personal change. And in that capacity is hope for all of our relationships.

(Music Interlude):

Paul Tripp: Do you know what I love about the Bible? Well, there are a lot of things that I love about the Bible. I mean, I just love the Bible! It's got a great plot; it's got interesting characters, interesting locations, and it's got a wonderful ending.

No, seriously, here's what I love about the Bible. I love that the Bible is this amazing combination of shocking honesty and glorious hope. There is no book ever written that is more shockingly honest than the Bible. There are stories in the Bible that are weird, and amazing, and creepy, and scary because the Bible is honest about the messiness of life in a fallen world.

And there are moments in the Bible that are so gloriously filled with hope that it'll make you rise out of your seat and applaud. And the honesty in the Bible doesn't diminish the hope, and the hope doesn't negate the honesty.

You see, why am I talking about this? Because I want you to understand that you can look the problems of your relationships in the face and have hope. You don't have to give way to patterns of hopelessness. And you do not have to give way to strategies of denial. Think about it--your relationships can be that same combination of honesty and hope that is what the Bible is like.

Because of what Jesus Christ has done, you can be shockingly honest, and you can be gloriously hopeful even in the middle of flawed relationships with flawed people in this broken world. Why? Because Jesus Christ is in those relationships with you, and He brings the power for fundamental change right here, right now.

Kate Crowley: Paul Tripp with a reminder of hope in the midst of conflict. And be sure to tune in next time for more words of advice from the series, "Conflict" on Right Here, Right Now.

And we want to invite you to pick up a copy of Paul's book, War Of Words. In it, Paul explores the power of the positive word and the benefit of letting God's grace impact this negative world. That's War Of Words. Just request your copy when you visit paultrippministries.org. That's Paul T-R-I-P-P, paultrippministries.org.

Now if you'd like to listen to this program or previous programs from Paul, they're all available online. Or you can download them to your iPod any time. If you'd like a CD copy, they're just five dollars. These and other helpful resources are all available at paultrippministries.org, or when you call us at 1-800-551-6595. It's toll-free: 800-551-6595.

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Next time, Paul continues his new series, "Conflict." That's coming up on Friday. I'm Kate Crowley, and for all of us at Paul Tripp Ministries, remember: In Jesus Christ, there really is help, right here, right now. See you tomorrow.