Paul Tripp: Your anger reveals something about what rules your heart. And if we're ever going to understand our irritation and anger, we have to look inside, not outside.

Kate Crowley: Welcome to Right Here, Right Now in today's program from Paul Tripp Ministries. Join us as Paul connects the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.

Female Voice: You're so incredibly picky. You pick apart just about everything I do.

Male Voice: (Laughter) I'm not half as picky as you. Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for me to ever please you.

Female Voice: Frankly said, I don't think you even try. You just get up in the morning, do whatever you want to do, doesn't even seem like you spend much time thinking about me.

Male Voice: I just don't get it, Cindy. I can remember when we were dating how much I was impressed that we seemed to get along so easily. You seemed like you actually enjoyed seeing me, like you actually wanted to spend time with me. Now I get the impression that you can barely stand having me around.

Female Voice: See, see, see what you just did? That's what you always do--you put the blame on me for this mess. There's never even a moment of consideration that it might be you. No! You've got it all sized up: I've changed; I've become this evil person that's so hard to get along with.

Male Voice: Is that what I said? I don't think it's all you, but I do think that you've changed. I do think that you look at me so negatively that it's almost impossible for me to do anything right in your eyes.

Female Voice: I just knew it! I just knew that this is where this conversation was going to go. Huh! Maybe it's too late. Maybe it's just gotten to the point where we're never going to get along.

Music: "Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word" by Ray Charles and Elton John

What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake up and find that you're not there
What have I got to do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
And sorry seems to be the hardest word
It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

Kate Crowley: This is Right Here, Right Now, and we are dealing with conflict on today's program with Paul Tripp. Be sure and tell your friends that they can join Paul here on the radio or via the website. And remember, it's his goal to remind you, every day, that there really is help in Jesus Christ, right here, right now.

By the way, for a complete list of resources that are available to you, just go on line to paultrippministries.org. This includes Paul's book, War Of Words, as well as his daily blog on current issues. That's at Paul Tripp, spelled T-R-I-P-P, paultrippministries.org.

Right now, back to the series entitled, "Conflict" with today's important message, "It's Everywhere, It's Everywhere" as Right Here, Right Now continues.

We Can All Relate to Cindy and Seth

Paul Tripp: It would be real easy to be pretty hard on Cindy and Seth. But think about it; all of us, if we're honest, can relate to what they're going through. No! You haven't had the exact story; you haven't been through the exact things. But none of us have ever had a perfect relationship. That's why we're going to spend some programs thinking about conflict.

You see, in fact, there is one reality in all of our relationships that is true of every one of them. Here it is; think about this: All of us have been disappointed by our relationships in some way. All of us have had the experience of a relationship breaking down in some way, whether it's in our marriage, whether it's in a friendship, whether it's at our church, whether it's with a neighbor, whether it's with one of our children. All of us have looked at a relationship and wondered what has gone wrong. All of us have looked back and remembered when things were going much better than they are right now. And all of us have wondered why things have turned out the way they have. We just simply never ever, ever, ever get to experience a perfect relationship. We never are relating to a perfect person. We aren't perfect people ourselves.

Think about what relationships are about. You're always a flawed person, always in a relationship with a flawed person, always living in a fallen world. Those are just inescapable realities. And all of us have tried (Ha! Ha!) to do whatever we could to repair a broken relationship. We try only to discover that repairing it was much harder than we ever thought it would be. So I want to take time to talk to you about conflict--the one unavoidable experience of every relationship you and I have ever had.

Now, maybe you're thinking, "Paul, I'm not sure that's true. I'm not sure that I've experienced conflict in all of my relationships. There must be some relationship in my life that's worked."

Now listen to what I'm about to say, "I'm not saying that all you've ever had is bad relationships." You may have experienced, in fact, some very, very good and healthy relationships. But what I am saying, that even those good relationships have not been completely free of conflict. Even the best relationships in our lives have been marked by conflict in some way.

Take a moment right now with me; take a moment to take a history to scan, to examine; think back on all the relationships you ever had; think back on the relationships you have right now. Look, if you would, and try to find one that has been absolutely, completely pristine without any conflict whatsoever. And I will tell you one thing for sure; you won't be able to identify one of those relationships.

Now you've got to ask this question: "Why? Why in the world is it so hard for us to get along with one another? Why in the world are our relationships so marked by conflict? Why is it with people that we want to be with, that we say we love, we have such a hard time getting along with one another? Why is conflict so omnipresent?"

Music: "I Can't" by Radiohead

Please forget the words that I just blurted out
It wasn't me, it was my strange and creeping doubt
It keeps rattling my cage
And there's nothing in this world will keep it down

A Close Look at Conflict in James 4

Paul Tripp: Now, let's take a good, close look at this issue of conflict. And I want to start by asking you this question, "As you're listening out there, how many of you have lived a conflict free year so far? How about last month? How about last week? (Ha! Ha!) How about yesterday? No instance of irritation, anger, or impatience with anyone? How about today?" You know, it doesn't seem to take very much--just one little thing in your life and "Boom!" and all of a sudden conflict is there. It's an amazing thing, isn't it? We really do have a very hard time getting along with one another.

And so what I want to do is I want to read for you what is a stunningly perceptive portion of God's Word when it comes to conflict. This passage is loaded with insight and wisdom. I want to read just the first three verses of James 4, and listen carefully as I read this, "What causes fights and quarrels among you?"

Now, if we had written that question, we probably would say this next, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from the people that you live with?" You see, our typical response, when we're in a conflict, when we're experiencing anger, impatience, irritation, is to explain those things by looking outside of ourselves. We look at our boss; we look at our husband or a wife; we look at a particular friend; we look at our children; we look at our neighbors; we look anywhere but at ourselves. We try to explain our anger; we try to explain our irritation by looking outside of ourselves.

Now, notice what James does here; listen as I read:

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but you don't get it. You kill and covet but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. And you do not have because you do not ask God, and when you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

Now, James does something very interesting here. He says to us, "No, no, no, no! If you want to understand your anger, if you want to understand the conflicts that you have with people, you can't look outside of yourself; you have to look inside of yourself." Somehow your anger is an expression of something that's going on inside of you--not so much an expression of what is going on outside of you. Now this is very, very humbling. What James is saying is that the people and situations in my life don't, in fact, make me angry. They're not the cause of my anger. The people and situations in my life are rather the occasion for the anger that's within me to express itself.

Now, you say, "What do you mean by this?" Well, in this passage, James actually connects our anger to our desires. He says, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?" James connects sinful conflict, the anger that I experience with others, to desires in my heart.

Now, we have got to visit what he means here. He doesn't say that it's wrong to desire. God's given me the capacity to desire, and when I quit desiring, guess what, I'm dead.

And the second thing we've got to say is James doesn't add the word 'evil' to the word 'desire.' He's not saying that sinful conflict is the result of evil desire. Then, you may be thinking, "Well what does he mean when he connects desires inside of us to our anger and impatience with others?" He says this; hear the words carefully. "Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?" That word 'battle' is the key word in the sentence.

See, what James is doing is he's ripping back the curtain, and he's letting us know this spiritual dynamic that goes on in all of our hearts. There is, because you are by identity a worshiper, there is a battle for control of your heart that is fought in every situation, and every location, and every relationship in human life this side of eternity. Something is always battling for the rulership of your heart. And there are really only two possibilities:

Either my heart is ruled by some desire for something that's in the creation; or my heart is ruled by a desire for the Creator and His will. It's as according to Romans, chapter 1, verse 25; its creation or the Creator.

Now, when a desire for anything in the creation rules my heart, it will inevitably cause conflict in my relationships. You see, if you're helping me get what I want, what do I think about you? I love you; I thank God that you're my life; cards and flowers! But if you stand in the way of what I want, I'm spontaneously irritated, spontaneously angry; I see you as an obstacle; I see you as an adversary, and I lash out in anger. You want something, but you don't get it, so you kill and you covet; you quarrel and fight, but you do not get what you want. That's exactly what James says.

Now, here's a core principle for understanding conflict. Here it is, "A desire for even a good thing becomes a bad thing when that desire becomes a ruling thing." Let me say it again, "A desire for even a good thing becomes a bad thing when that desire becomes a ruling thing." You see, I am not meant to be ruled by a desire for any created thing. I'm meant to be ruled by the Creator. And so what happens is, because I'm ruled by a desire for the Creator (creation), I'm not judging you based on God's law; I'm judging you based on my law. I want something, and I judge you by your willingness to participate in the delivery of that thing that I want; and when you don't, I'm very angry with you.

Parents, when you're stomping down the hallway at night angry at your children because their quarreling again in their beds, and you go in that room and you say mean, unkind things, you're not angry because their sinners; you are angry because, in their sin, they're stepping on what you crave. You see, this is an exquisite principle. Your anger reveals something about what rules your heart. And if we're ever going to understand our irritation and anger, we have to look inside, not outside.

Music: "Before The Throne of God Above" by Selah

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect place
A great high priest who's name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me
My name is graven on His hands
My name is written on His heart
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart
When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin
Because a sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Jess and Sally

Paul Tripp: I want to illustrate what we've just talked about from James 4:1-3 by talking to you about another couple, Jess and Sally. I don't think I'll ever forget this couple. I've told the story of Jess and Sally literally thousands of times. Jess and Sally had asked to talk with me because they really did feel like their marriage was in trouble--and they were right; it was! They showed up in my office because they knew they had gotten to the place where they weren't going to solve their problems by themselves. They tried, and every time they tried to talk, every time they tried to address the problems in their marriage, it just ended in deeper anger, deeper acrimony, and way over the top emotion.

Jess and Sally weren't pretending anymore-huh! They knew that things had gotten pretty bad. And they were both discouraged that things had gotten to the point that they had. And they just didn't know what to do about it.

I think at some level, they really wanted something to change, somehow, someway. And they had pulled out all of the tools out of their toolbox to try to repair their marriage, and like I said before, it just never went right. It ended up worse than it ever was before. They had gotten to a certain level of desperation that drove them to break the silence, to break the secrecy, to step beyond the protective confines of their public personas and to reach out for help. And I don't think that I'll ever forget the first time that we got together. And that's why I've told the story thousands of times.

Now, I knew that this was a pretty angry relationship, and I didn't want our time to be angry like that. I really did want our time to be productive. I really did want to help this couple who had just hit the wall. And so I greeted them; I walked them to my office, and before we did anything, I spent some time praying for them. I wanted them to hear me pray for them, and I wanted to start that way. I wanted to mirror my own trust that God could really alter this relationship that was so bad. (Huh!)--Jess was very angry, and I remember the minute I said, "Hello!" to Sally, she just burst into tears. There was an angry man and a crying woman, and we hadn't even gotten started yet.

We sat down to begin to talk after I had prayed, and I wanted to start sort of easily and make them comfortable, and so I asked them if they would just tell me in their own words what they thought was wrong with their relationship. Now, what happened next was very interesting. Immediately, as if they had rehearsed it, they said one another's name.

Now think what's going on here. At that moment as a counselor, I'm out of a job. You see, the only reason Jess had come was to get Sally fixed. And the only reason Sally was there was to get Jess fixed. Neither one of them was looking inside of themselves. Poor Jess and Sally! As long as they looked at their relationship that way, there would be no fixing it. How could it be that you have two completely innocent people and such a broken marriage?

Are You Ready to Own Your Conflict?

Paul Tripp: So what about you? Are you ready to own the conflict that is in your life almost every day? Where is that conflict? Where do you experience frequent irritation and impatience? And when you are angry, which way do you look? Have you humbly admitted that your anger, your anger, reveals something about your own heart? Or are your relationships stuck because you, too, are playing the finger-pointing, 'you're the fault' blame game.

Listen to what James says; I love this. Right smack dab in the middle of this discussion of anger, he says this, "But he gives us more grace." Here's what James is saying. James is saying, "You can look at yourself; you can humbly admit you have a problem; you don't have to be afraid of saying, 'My anger reveals something that's wrong in my heart, because there's grace for this moment.'"

You see, God's grace is not just a past grace--the grace of your salvation; God's grace is not just a future grace--the grace of eternity. God's grace is a present grace--it's a grace for what you face in the struggles of life in a fallen world, right here, right now. And what this means is--you don't have to live controlled by conflict any longer; your relationships can change; reconciliation is possible; peace is possible! Why? Not because of your strength and wisdom, but because the God of grace has given you grace that is form-fit for just what you are going through in your relationships today, right here, right now.

Kate Crowley: A grace that fits. Paul Tripp, from the series, "Conflict," in today's lesson, "It's Everywhere! It's Everywhere" here on Right Here, Right Now.

And you can learn more about the power of words when you pick up a copy of War Of Words by Paul Tripp. In this book, Paul takes a look at the heart of communication struggles and helps unveil the path to grace, a read that will impact both your relationship with others and with God. That's War Of Words. Just go to paultrippministries.org, all one word, paultripp, spelled T-R-I-P-P, paultrippministries.org.

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Tomorrow, Paul takes another look at the series, "Conflict;" that's Tuesday. I'm Kate Crowley, reminding you that, in Jesus Christ, there really is help, right here, right now.