Happy New Year! In yesterday’s Wednesday’s Word, I proposed that there might not be a more essential New Year’s resolution to make for 2026 than to cancel debts.
That’s another way of saying: commit to forgiving one another.
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” (Ephesians 4:31-5:2).
I will unpack the beauty and reward of forgiveness in the next four Wednesday’s Word of January, but in today’s Grace & Knowledge, I actually want to do the opposite: I want to paint a picture of the beauty and reward of unforgiveness.
Hang in there with me! Of course, that’s an unbiblical statement. But let’s consider the temptation to hold others in our debt and why it appears so beautiful and rewarding.
The Beautiful Power of Relational Debt
There is short-term, relationally destructive power in refusing to forgive. Holding onto another person’s wrongs gives us the upper hand in the relationship. We keep a record of wrongs, not because we are motivated by what is best for the other person, but because it serves our interests.
Here are some of the dark, selfish “benefits” of unforgiveness that masquerade as beautiful and rewarding:
1. Debt is power. There is power in having something to hold over another’s head. There is power in using a person’s weaknesses and failures against them. In moments when we want our own way, we pull out some wrong against the other person as our relational trump card.
2. Debt is identity. Holding onto another person's sin, weakness, and failure makes us feel superior. It allows us to believe that we are more righteous and mature than they are. We fall into the pattern of getting our sense of self not from what God has called us to be and do, but from comparing ourselves to others at their weakest, lowest moments. This pattern plays into the self-righteousness that is the struggle of every sinner.
3. Debt is entitlement. Because someone has wronged us, then by default, he or she owes us. Carrying another person’s sins against us makes us feel deserving and, therefore, comfortable and justified in being self-focused and demanding. If we don’t say it aloud, at least the line of logic we preach to ourselves sounds something like this: “After all I have had to endure in my relationship with you, then certainly I deserve [fill in the blank].”
4. Debt is weaponry. The sins and failures that someone else has committed against us, that we still carry, are like a loaded gun. It is very tempting to pull it out and use it when we are angry or want to get revenge. When someone else has hurt us in some way, it is very tempting to hurt them back or at least threaten them by pulling out that loaded gun and brandishing it in their face.
5. Debt puts us in God’s position. Like with all aspects of a horizontal relationship, debt and unforgiveness are ultimately rooted in our vertical relationship with God. And when we refuse to forgive, we rise to the throne of God. It is the one place that we must never be, but it is also the position that is most tempting to appoint ourselves to.
We are not the ultimate judge of another human being. We are not the ones appointed to dispense ultimate consequences for the sins of another person. It is not our job to make sure they feel the appropriate amount of guilt for what they have done.
“There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?” (James 4:12)
Now, of course, there are consequences to relational sin. Some relationships might never be repaired or restored. It is wise to protect yourself from being continually sinned against. Forgiveness does not mean making yourself vulnerable, nor does the Bible ever call us to just “grin and bear it” for the sake of a relationship. No, grace never calls wrong right, and forgiveness does not mean turning a blind eye to the sin of another.
What we are considering today, however, is the temptation to ascend to God’s throne, to appoint ourselves holy judge of another person, higher and more divine than they are, and to hold another person in relational debt for our selfish advantage.
The Ugly Selfishness of Relational Debt
Unforgiveness is nasty stuff. It is a relational lifestyle driven by ugly selfishness. It is motivated by what we want, what we think we need, and by what we feel. It has nothing to do with a desire to please God in how we live with others, and it surely has nothing to do with loving others in the midst of their sanctification process and struggle with in this broken world.
Unforgiveness is also scarily blind. We are so focused on the other person and all their failures that we are blind to ourselves. We forget how often we fail, how much sin mars everything we do, and how desperately we need the grace that we are unwilling to give to the other person.
This way of living turns our spouse, child, parent, family member, neighbor, co-worker, or brother or sister in Christ into our adversary and turns our relationship into a war zone. Yet we have all been seduced by the power of unforgiveness. We have all used the sin of another against him or her. We have all acted as judges. We have all thought we are more righteous than the rest. We have all used the power of guilt to get what we want, when we want it, and in so doing, have done serious damage to the delicacy of human relationships.
The Beauty of Forgiveness
It seems almost too obvious to say, but forgiveness is a much better way. It is the only way to live in a fruitful, long-term relationship with another sinner. It is the only way to navigate the weaknesses and failures that will mark your marriage, your parenting, or your friendship. It is the only way to deal with hurt and disappointment. It is the only way to restore hope and confidence. It is the only way to protect your love and reinforce the unity that you have built. It is the only way to avoid being kidnapped by the past. It is the only way to give your relationship the blessing of fresh starts and new beginnings.
Yes, you can choose to carry that list. You can choose to punish the other person. You can choose for disappointment to lead to distance. Or, you can plant better seeds and celebrate a much better harvest. The harvest of forgiveness is the kind of relationship everyone wants.
There is one final thing worth repeating, and it’s found in Ephesians 4:32: “Forgive one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Forgiveness requires remembering.
Unforgiveness and holding others in relational debt require remembering the other person’s weaknesses, failures, and sins. It requires that we forget or turn a blind eye to our own.
But a lifestyle of beautiful, rewarding forgiveness requires remembering how great our need for forgiveness is. When we are filled with the grief of our own sin and with gratitude for the amazing forgiveness we have been given, then we will find joy in giving to another person what we have received in Christ.
Perhaps a lifestyle of unforgiveness is rooted in the sin of forgetfulness. We forget that there is not a day in our lives that we do not need to be forgiven. We forget that we will never graduate from our need for grace. We forget that we have been loved with a love we could never earn, achieve, or deserve. We forget that God never mocks our weakness, never finds joy in throwing our failures in our face, never threatens to turn his back on us, and never makes us buy our way back into his favor.
When you remember and carry with you a deep appreciation for the grace you have been given, you’ll have a heart ready to forgive. That doesn’t mean the process will be comfortable or easy, but it does mean you can approach another person remembering that you are just as in need of what you’re about to give to them.
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
“Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
(Matthew 18:21-35)
